How I Assume Elena Kagan's Confirmation Hearings Are Going

Patrick Leahy: Hello everyone, and welcome to the confirmation hearings for Solicitor General Elena Kagan. I’m sure you’ll all agree with me when I say I look forward to getting this done in a very efficient, dignified and maybe even entertaining fashion.

(Senators, Kagan, reporters, custodial staff all break out in hysterical laughter)

Leahy: Oh man, that one never gets old. But hey, C-Span’s gotta put something on the air, so we might as well get ready to skirt around Roe v. Wade for days and days and days. Senator Hatch, you have the floor.

Orrin Hatch: Thank you, Senator Leahy. Let me just make sure everything is in order here.

(Shuffles papers, props up seminude picture of Jessica Alba)

Hatch: Fellow senators, Miss Kagan, C-Span cameramen, bloggers, our lovable janitor Scraggles, those of you lonely enough to be watching this at home—

Leahy: Beg your pardon, Orrin. What’s the deal with that picture?

Scraggles: Also, my name is Joe.

Hatch: Shut up, Scraggles. Oh, this old thing? It’s my good luck charm. I’ve used it at every confirmation hearing I’ve ever participated in. Of course, if Miss Kagan is distracted by it for some perfectly understandable and moral reason, I’d be happy to take it down. Miss Kagan, how do you feel about this?

Elena Kagan: Well, I—

Leahy: Orrin, just take it down.

Hatch (whispering): C’mon, Pat, don’t you see what I’m doing? We can figure out if that…”rumor” about her is true this way!

Leahy: If you can tell me who that’s a picture of, you can keep it up.

Hatch: …Marie Osmond?

Leahy: That’s what I thought. Senator Feingold, why don’t we just skip ahead to you?

Russ Feingold: Thank you. Miss Kagan, you’re well known for your high intelligence, your respect for the Constitution, your fervent patriotism, your impeccable wit, your compassion for all living creatures, your willingness to take compliments graciously, the time you shared your sandwich with that homeless man on the streets of Boston—

Leahy: Excuse me, Senator, do you have a question for Miss Kagan?

Feingold: I do not.

Leahy: Very well, then. Let’s give the floor to Sena—

Joe Biden: Hey, guys! How’s everything going in here? Need any help? I used to chair this committee, you know.

Leahy: Yes, Mr. Vice President, we know that. You’ve told us. Several times. We’re fine, though, thank you.

Biden: Like, one thing you want to make sure to do is use the word “and” as often as possible in your questions. Oh man, that saved me from losing the camera so many times back in the day.

Leahy: Thank you, Mr. Vice President. We’ll keep that in mind. Now, don’t you have some elderly white people to go calm down?

Biden: Yeah, I should probably get back to that. Well, give me a call if you need any help! Tony Hayward’s been hogging all the gaffes lately, so I’ve got loads of free time these days.

(Biden trips, leaves)

Leahy: I honestly can’t figure out how he keeps getting past security. Senator Grassley, you have the floor.

Chuck Grassley: Thank you, Senator Leahy. Miss Kagan, let’s say a woman is conducting a train carrying thousands of dollars worth of campaign contributions from Cincinnati to Philadelphia. If this money is from the NRA, and if none of the names of the individual donors have been disclosed, and if the train leaves Cincinnati at 12:30 PM going 45 miles per hour, and if this conductor discovers at 1:30 PM that there is someone currently serving in the Senate named “Saxby,” would you support letting her get an abortion?

Kagan: Well, I—

Leahy: Miss Kagan, “Two and a Half Men” starts in 10 minutes.

Kagan: Maybe.

Leahy: Thank you. We’ll adjourn for the day and resume tomorrow with Senator Coburn.

Tom Coburn: Excellent. Let me just get my things set up now.

(Shuffles papers, props up seminude picture of Megan Fox)

Leahy: Oh, come on…