The 7 Types of High School P.E. Teachers

See those banners on the wall? Yeah, this guy was a legend – and never forget it! Constantly wearing thigh-highs and a tattered t-shirt from a wrestling competition decades ago, this teacher will always be a man amongst prepubescent boys. More importantly, he would have gone pro if it wasn’t for that freak knee injury in ’78. Now his time is spent living vicariously through the popular kids he buys beer for and laughing at those who are different.


The compulsory hire of any functioning gym department. Wielding a softball bat and a Virginia Woolf novel, this woman makes Rosie O’Donnell look like Tila Tequila. To succeed in this class, one must decipher a strangely complex series of grunts and know that “playing the field- exclusively applies to hockey. But, once you’re in her good graces, you’ll always have a spotter and a forever altered sense of masculinity.


With one leg kicked up on the chair he carried down two floors from his office, this coach looks upon the most pivotal and influential junior year soccer elective in the fine state of (some state with a rich history in a different sport). The persistent motivational speeches of Coach Carter’s less-successful second cousin will bring forth invaluable lessons for inherently troubled adolescents – or at least that P credit so you can graduate.


Looking forward to a casual way to relax during school with your classmates? Think again nancy boy. The only time this man has seen the word ‘fun’ is as the first three letters of fundamentals. 80 percent of your class is consumed by a regiment of warm-ups applicable only to some Pacific swampland and the remainder is an ungodly hybrid of verbal abuse and short-range dodge ball.


The theatrical purgatory between a religious devotion to Inside the Actors Studio and countless open-mic nights at local bars has brought this 30-something to your high school. On one hand, this man is most likely high unqualified to teach you about human anatomy. On the other hand, who else gets to learn about adulthood from a racially touchy Bill Cosby impression?


Never forget that you can’t have physical education without ‘education’ – this guy is a REAL teacher. You get homework for physics, why not football? During this class actual physical activity is scattered occasionally through a steady diet of 80s instructional videos and written quizzes. You think Proust couldn’t do a push-up, nerd?


Practicing what you preach is for the faint of heart (ironically, his heart is looking pretty faint as of late). A blend between Kenny G and pre-Subway Jared, this guy has been cemented to his chair by the pool for as long as anyone can remember. While his swimming class is dangerously unstructured, the plus side is the logistical implausibility of a hands on approach. It will always haunt you, though, whether he actually needed CPR that one time…