My girlfriend is coming to visit for the first time in about a month, so I came up with a checklist of things I needed to do beforehand. Here’s what I came up with:
1. Clean room
2. Go to store, buy: liquor, massage oils, condoms, kleenex, febreeze
3. Make reservations for dinner Saturday night
4. Clear Internet history
5. Masturbate
5a. Use massage oils, kleenex and febreeze
6. Clear Internet history
7. Shower
8. Take out garbage



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Little known literature fact: Dr. Frankenstein was only trying to DRAW a monster that would terrorize villagers.
It's like people on the Internet have never seen a boob before. Come to think of it, many of them haven't.
"I guess these are cool. If you like that kind of thing. Whatever. " - Porsche owner, moments before bursting into tears.
Anyone who DOESN'T want to live in the Hobbit houses is crazier than Denethor.
My all-dental dam band will never be this good.
All these Twitter accounts are run by Odie.
You will be more frightened while watching this video than anyone in it.
Good luck, detention monitor.
When is the holiday to memorialize stupid people lighting themselves on fire?