Mulan Probably Should Have Seen This Coming

Li Shang: Chi-Fu, my most trusted advisor, I must speak to you about an urgent matter.

Chi-Fu: What’s going on? Strategy for tomorrow’s battle?

Li Shang: Uh, no. I think…I think I’m going totally gay for that new male soldier, Ping.

Chi-Fu: Whoa – this is Pre-Industrialization China. Is “gay” even a thing?

Li Shang: Well, it is now! I keep finding myself strangely attracted to Ping – who is definitely a guy, as he speaks in that weird, effeminate low-voice of his and squats when he pees.

Chi-Fu: What do you want me to tell you? I’m pretty sure that’s not something we’re comfortable with in this era. Also Ping – who that little sassy African-American dragon keeps calling “Mulan” for some reason – would probably be totally weirded out if you told him.

Li Shang: It’s so frustrating. I’m trying to figure out if Ping feels the same way, but he’s hard to read. Men are notoriously difficult to understand.

Chi-Fu: Yeah, for a week every month he seems to get really moody and easily upset. Also his crotch gets all bloody for some inexplicable and probably masculine reason.

Li Shang: That’s what I’m talking about! And you should have heard what he said after I sang that song, “I’ll Make a Man Out of You.”

Chi-Fu: What’d he say?

Li Shang: He just muttered, “Wow, that is a super-ironic song to sing to me.” What could he possibly mean by that?!

Chi-Fu: No clue. If only Ping were a woman, then this would be totally socially acceptable.

Li Shang: I wish! Unfortunately he is definitely a man. A man with two X chromosomes and no Adam’s apple and a camel toe, sometimes.

Chi-Fu: I don’t think this is worth obsessing over. We’ve got a big battle tomorrow, we should be planning our strategy.

Li Shang: I guess you’re right. What are the weather conditions going to be like?

Chi-Fu: Pretty cold, judging by Ping’s rock hard nipples at the tips of his perfect breasts.