New God of the Sea Interview

Zeus: So as you know there was a little mishap in the ocean recently regarding some crude oil. While the humans is working tirelessly to pick up the mess we have to think towards the future. Sadly we lost one of our own during this tragedy. Poseidon was a bit over zealous and died of every cancer imaginable by your tiny human brain. We are now in need of a new God hence why we brought you here for this interview. Do you understand?

Ryan: Honestly, no, not at all.

Zeus: Perfect, let’s begin. I’m going to give you some multiple choice questions. Pick the best answer.

Ryan: I really don’t know…

Zeus: Number one. A large amount of a black sticky substance is being emptied into the ocean because some race decided their greedy asses wanted automobiles instead of riding around on clouds like the rest us. In this situation do you A. Run head first into the spill and hurl your trident at it.  B. Call Hera and tell her your secret vacation plans should be changed  C. Not call Zeus cause you are mad about that time he totally owned you in badminton.  Or D. Send Tony Hayward to the 7th level of the underworld and promote green energy?

Ryan: Um, D?

Zeus: Correct! See you are doing a great job already. I would have also accepted the second half of answer C.

Ryan: I don’t think I’m really qualified for this.

Zeus: Nonsense, I’m Zeus, I think I know talent when I see it. These interviews are really a formality but we have to do it, I don’t make the rules. Oh wait, YES I DO! HA! Okay next question.

Ryan: …Okay.

Zeus: A gigantic ship named after my father and his A-Hole friends leaves Southampton, England in 1912 en route to a large piece of perennial fruit, apparently. Do you  A: Send large amounts of Ice to block its path and hopefully sink that MoFo into the Atlantic ocean like a rock full of innocent human lives?  B. Let it be and be totally lame.  C. Call James Cameron and tell him that you have a crazy good movie idea about blue people and super sweet space ships.  Or D. Live vicariously through Leonardo DiCaprio for a while and sneak a peek at some Kate Winslet boobage?

Ryan: Maybe, A?

Zeus: Oh SNAP!! You just gave up staring at boobs! Oh MAN! You are such a sucker. You are intense. You said the right thing, but WOW. I would totally have picked boobs. Okay, next question. The Black Pearl is searching for treasure…

Ryan: You mean like in Pirates of the Caribbean?

Zeus: What? No. You aren’t making any sense. Just listen to the question! The Black Pearl is searching for treasure. Johnny Depp is driving and Keira Knightley is totally hot and yelling something but nobody cares cause she is so hot.

Ryan: Is the answer live vicariously through Orlando Bloom and see Keira Knightley’s breasts?

Zeus: Holy Shit! You are a god damn prophet man! How did you know that? I don’t want to be too up front with you right now, but you are the balls. Poseidon’s shriveled corpse ain’t got nothing on you.

Ryan: Listen, I don’t think I would be cut out to be a god. It seems like a lot of work and I don’t know if I’ll have the time.

Zeus: Oh come on man. Don’t be a downer. There is only one more question. Will you perhaps indulge your God for one last time?

Ryan: sigh Sure. Shoot.

Zeus: Okay cool. So, you are in the rivers of the Amazon searching for an Anaconda…

Ryan: Jennifer Lopez’s Boobs

Zeus: YOU GOT THE JOB!