Dear Prospective Student,

Dear prospective student, 

We greatly appreciate your interest in our university. After some consideration, we have decided that you are not a match for our school. In fact, given your history, we recommend the Tennessee State Correctional facility for your remaining…‘education’

We were not particularly impressed with your 1.0 GPA. And no, we did not think it was a perfect ten. We’re glad that you have challenged yourself by taking a variety of classes such as Introduction to gym, Team sports, and Senior games and activities. There also appears to be an error in your transcript; it says that you have taken health 6 times. 

If you could explain the discrepancies in your transcript, perhaps we will reconsider your application. For example, there is a handwritten note saying you have received an A in cheerleader anatomy. Also, I’m sorry to say we cannot give you advanced placement credit for successful completion of “Principles of Beer Pong”

Now, we understand the necessity of money in the everyday lives of students, however, moonlighting as a ‘street pharmacist’ is not an appropriate method of accruing such funds. We suggest that you put the skills you used in school in order to make money, paying special attention to your Crime and Law class.

When asked about any unique qualities or skills, you gave us a variety of answers. However, ‘Pimpinthemhoes’ is not a skill that will help you in college. 

Really, I’m unsure why we even wrote this much, because it is rather doubtful that you will even be able to read this far. Good luck with all your educational endeavors. 

Attached is an application for Harvard University. Perhaps they will be closer to your academic caliber. 

Sincerely,

Vanderbilt University Admissions Committee