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105%-O-Matic

105%: Issue One Hundred and Thirty Four

by 105%-O-Matic on

I’ve got soul, but I’m not a Soul Train

I like to pour half and half into my Arnold Palmers. I call it complicated fractions.
-Brian Carabello
Hungry Hippos
Hungry Hungry Hippos? Of course they’re hungry. It’s Africa.
-Lev Novak
Last night I dreamed that they made a sequel to Inception with Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan. Now I finally know what it’s like to have a dream within a dream within a Dream Team.
-Kevin Slane
The Hunt For Red October has surprisingly little subtext.
-Andrew Bridgman
I was hard at work the other day when my boss told me I was fired. This constant boner is really hindering my career as a sweatpants model.
-Patrick Merryman
After recent disasters, it seems appropriate that the phrase “There’s always more fish in the sea” should be replaced with “There’s always more oil in the ocean.”
-Alex Thompson
I think there’s a direct correlation between how frayed the bottom of your JNCO jeans were and how frayed your parent’s marriage was.
-Conor McKeon
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My Mormon

I had a really Mormon roommate and she would get mad when I had friends over, especially guys. She would bang on the wall and would tell my friends they'd have to leave at 9PM. It got to the point where I would have my guy friends over and we'd jump on the bed making sex noises and when she banged on the wall we'd bang back.