The Longest Winter Campout: How Hot Jew Ass Saved My Life and Helped Me Beat Elvis

The names in this account have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty equally plus I like giving people I know funny different names. If you want to know who who is and you were there then leave a comment with your name on it. This story will take on many different forms depending on how well I remember the events I describe and recount. And of course I have taken creative license with a few sections of  work, and if you don’t enjoy it Kiss my black Ass

The following takes place between 4:37pm and 12:00:00am on the night of  the Carolina Ticket Campout
4:37pm  January, 26 2007: Camp-out day is here for tickets to the game against those Jerks from down the road and now my phone is ringing
“Hey Alex” says a friendly voice on the phone “Hey Charo, what’s up?”
“Oh nothing much I was just calling to tell you we are gonna meet over here at 6:30, then go to our spot in line.” “Alright see you there” “Later”. And just like that I knew when the ball would start rolling.Charo Rehan is pretty cool, she’s Jewish which apparently she doesn’t tell alot of people so when I’m around her and other people I pick up the slack by making sure I bring it up in conversations, but not nearly as often as she brings up the fact that I’m Black and some how disappoint her with my non-stereotypical behavior. By the way “Alex” is short for Alexavier Scorpio, and not only am I doing ticket camp out, I’m also running in the Krispy Kreme Challenge the next morning and the plan is to do it all with little or no sleep at all.
5:50: Normally I would be watching PTI at this time but I’ve got to at least start to get ready. I pack 4 bottles of water, an extra long sleeve shirt, one and a half boxes of Gushers, a three pound bag of my favorite kind of apples, sweet Fuji the dominator of all apple types in my opinion, my other pair of gases and my shades to run in if I choose to in the morning.
6:31: I’m now officially one minute late but think it’s okay because I’m on BPT which for my family is any where from 30 minutes to and Hour behind regular time. So me being “1 minute late” is like getting there with tons of time to spare. I note this joke in my mind and am determined to use it when I get to the room because I feel there is a 99.9% chance that I’m the only Black guy in this group. So before I just go barging in I call Charo to make sure that they haven’t actually left and Lo-and behold they are still there. So I go up to the room and there are like 3 guys in there only one that I actually know, Quillan Pooky, then the rest like this Landers Dallas, the ex-boyfriend and still best friend of Charo Rehan who doesn’t go to school here but came to camp out to hang out, Fausto Stockton, fraternity brother of Quillan who like me is doing the Krispy Kreme Challenge in the morning, then there was this guy in a Hoody that I didn’t quite get his name so I’ll call him “Hoody”. So we’re all up here and of course all the guy are ready to transform and roll out, meanwhile Marianne and Charo are doing their hair and getting dressed and of course getting a hard time from us. “Why did you have us show up so early if you two weren’t ready yourselves” Quillan mused. “Because we thought everyone would be late and and we didn’t want to be late” said Marianne. The general concensus was that if we were going to be late it would be because of the girls no matter how much trouble a guy had.
6:45: YAY, Marianne and Charo are ready to go, Oh wait never mind Charo can’t find her matching shoe. Is this a bad omen for the night?????
6:46: So the shoe switch is now complete and we are walking E X T R E M E L Y  S L O W towards the camp site. Still we get to the spot within 10 minutes. Interesting side bar I used the BPT joke in the room and it was like no one heard me. Blessing in disguise? Probably the joke was flawed plus it wasn’t as much a joke as a statement I really gotta work on that. Second side bar our group name is “we are really good people and very humbl”. – Lie
7:05: Tent’s up!. Quillan, Fausto and I put it together while everyone else was doing something else. Charo went to get flashlights, Marianne is doing managerial type work in with the tent raising going on behind her. So we finally have it raised and then we see that it’s door is facing the woods and train tracks . That’s no good. Marianne steps in to help turn the tent in a 180 and get it facing the right way
7:30: First line check is through us so Fausto checks out, and Hoody and his friend who showed up and I guess is also in the group leave and we don’t see them for the rest of the night. Charo, Marianne, Quiillan and Landers all jumped back into the tent and I choose to go see what’s going on around the site. Nothing they got a car to smash but it’s not time yet then there will be a movie around Midnight with some fan contest interspersed. It’s not that cold to be honest but it’s boring waiting for the car smash to begin so I go into the tent and lay down
8:30: So we’ve been here for about 90 minutes and everyone is checking the time way too often for time to take off. I’ve been in and out of the tent a couple of times and about as far as to Reynolds to watch the car smashing. I want to do it but at this point after watching so many people go I’m starting to question my own strength and willingness to do this. It’s not a lack of hate for those jerks it’s just that I’m one of the smaller weaker out of shape guys I know. So I sit and wait talk to a few people for a while while the big guys take off the hood and trunk lid. Then I start timing people to see how long they go, about the minutes with some crazy guys going for 5-6 minutes. So my time finally comes and I take my first shot at the Break Fluid cap. Unbeknownst to me this car is fresh off the road. I smash the cap and get break fluid on my face and arm and a couple of people behind me. Then it’s on to the front  bumper for a couple of swings but I’m not getting the movement out it, so I decide to attack the motor and the exhaust pipes that are coming out of it. It is around this point that I notice what can only be a Technician photographer taking my picture. My energy doubled and all of a sudden I was a new man. I start to attack the A-post and passenge side door. While I don’t actually do major damage I feel like I was in a good position if that Photog has any skill I should see myself in an awesome action shot in the paper this Monday morning. But back to the immediate aftermath of my attack on the car. My hands felt like they had just spent and hour in a freezer. I had no feeling in my fingers and they were killing me and… Oh look FREE pizza from the back of a truck is here….
8:45: My finger still hurt like a motherfucker I can’t get any heat into them. I got back to the tent and it was just Marianne and Quillan sitting there. I don’t know what they were talking about cause I was busy trying to get my finger working again. They appreciated the pizza and had some then I basically doubled over in pain from not being able to feel my fingertips. I was literally on my knees over my hands trying to feel my own face. Eventually Fausto shows up and he got a pizza to. It wasn’t long behind me, maybe 3-5 minutes I tried to go back out and get some more but they were all out. I went back into the tent and then Landers and Charo came back and this is when things start to get crazy
9:15: An ambulance siren is heard and as is the natural thing to do everyone and their mother comes out of their tents to see whats going on and before the ambulance can get where its going in the Reynolds parking lot all we can see is someone lying down with a officer kneeling next to them. So this little event brings all of us out as well and then Charo see’s a “friend”(Wink, Wink, Nod, Nod) and talks to him for a while then her and Marianne go off to just walk to see if they find anyone they know. So that leaves me, Quillan, and Landers sitting around talking about something that wasn’t interesting to me. I could make something up but it’s not worth my time.
9:40: So the girls come back and ultimately we form up into the extended spooning line that goes Quillan, Marianne, Landers, Charo then me. Just for the record at this time we are facing, so in a way you probably inferred from the list, I’m on my side and facing no one’s back. Out in the open if you will, this was probably a result of my non-stop movement that I was doing earlier in the night where I would be in and out of the tent. So we are lying there again when all of a sudden there was a crash and a cheer from a crowd. Now that I’m writing this I want to say my first thought was actually “they flipped the car” but I’m not sure it was now that I look back. But I do know that once I heard it go down I jumped up and looked out the tent and there was literally a mob of people about 15-20 strong, and they were all moving in the direction of Talley Student Center in mass it was HI-Larious.
10:00: So after the random gang has flipped the car, we get back to serious spooning business. Like really serious, it’s only 10 we are all lying down and no one is actually trying to go to sleep. But no one is talking it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen or done 5 people spooning, for the most part no one was crazy drunk at this time yet nothing was being said. So then the R-tards “running” the event come over their speaker and say that the people responsible for turning the car over need to turn themselves in by 11 or they might cancel the rest of campout. I wasn’t worried about them stopping the campout cause I figured they wouldn’t. Also I was more worried about my position in the spooning line. I was still number 5 had Charo behind me and was literally using whatever I could find as a pillow ending up with Fausto’s Camo bag which had a Case of Beer in it as my main support. Good for most people but not for me in this situation. I didn’t want to go to sleep so it was good that I had this case as a pillow but I would also like to avoid future neck and back problems that would surely come from lying on a box for 12 hours. Then all of a sudden like someone fighting Scorpion from Mortal Kombat there was an arm and a pull and I think I might have also heard “Get Over Here!!!” but it was Charo pulling me back towards the spoon line. I wasn’t quite sure how to say it but I said the first thing to come to my mind “Uh, Charo you might wanna get your junk checked cause my ass is on fire”.
10:05-11:30: It was kinda one of those “you had to be there” things although I don’t think I got much of a rise out of anyone in the tent either but by this time I’m willing to laugh at my own jokes And be the only one doing so(kinda like this one). So anyways I don’t know what if anything Landers was doing on the other side of Charo or if it was just natural body escaping through like 3 pais of pants for her, but I, through  3 of my own pair of pants, could feel the heat and thought that she might be smuggling the sun in pants it was ass sweating heat. So after a little while of having my ass toasted by Charo’ s crotch, her, Marianne and Landers decide it’s time for a refill on their beverages and head back to the room. So this leaves Quillon, Fausto, who has been trying to get some sleep for the race tomorrow, and myself. So me and Quillon start talking about nothing in particular how we feel about the current situation, the state of our lives and then our philosophies, this is where I decided I was definitely gonna add this guy as a facebook friend cause he said he was (a) God and pretty much supported he clam to it with a logical argument. I could not argue with his logic and why would I want to. Every time I’ve hung around him he’s been the same, pretty awesome, quick wit, the kind of person I would want on my side basically.
11:35: So anyway Marianne eventually comes back alone and the first thing she here’s when she steps in the tent is “So are they boning?” “No” of course is the answer then a few minutes later they show up. I believe it was at this point that we tried to play Trivial Pursuit and Marianne was reading the questions first, then she started to have trouble with a few words and Charo took the cards and started to read then I took them then we stopped cause we all realized how dumb of an idea that was they were partially drunk and I just stopped caring. So maybe 15 minutes later we are all lying down spooning  but going it the other direction order is now Myself, Charo, Landers, Marianne and Quillan and once again I was hanging back cause now there is a hot Jew ass in my lap and balls are sweating from the insane amounts of heat she’s putting off. Not that I’m complaining about the ass in my lap, it’s what the ass brings with it in this case heat and lots of it. Enough of it to keep me alive and comfortable all night long and to power me through the end of the Krispy Kreme Challenge.