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105%-O-Matic

105%: Issue One Hundred and Thirty Five

by 105%-O-Matic on

Kid-Tested, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony-Approved

Based on all the swastikas carved into bathroom stalls, NAZIs must be the most constipated people on earth.
-Patrick Cassels
Digestively speaking, isn’t every fast food joint technically an In-N-Out Burger?
-Kevin Slane (@KSlane)
Have you ever noticed how sick horses just sort of stick together?
-Mark H
I just bought one of those wristwatches that shows you what phase the moon is in. Apparently, right now it’s feeling really noncommittal and just getting into Faulkner.
-Joe Petro (@joe_petro)
It’s OK for me to make Anne Frank jokes, because my girlfriend looks like Fat Anne Frank.
-Adam Newman (@Adam_Newman)
Sometimes I wish politics were more like math; that way it’d be impossible for our views to be divided by ground zero.
-Caldwell Tanner (@caldy)
It’s pretty ironic that anarchists all use the same symbol.
-Conor McKeon (@AConorMcKeon)
Rose is red, Hypnotiq is blue, Moscato is sweet, and I pour whiskey into my coffee every morning on the way to work.
-Hannah Carmen
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My Mormon

I had a really Mormon roommate and she would get mad when I had friends over, especially guys. She would bang on the wall and would tell my friends they'd have to leave at 9PM. It got to the point where I would have my guy friends over and we'd jump on the bed making sex noises and when she banged on the wall we'd bang back.