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#1:The Coach From the Stands

This dad isn't going to actually coach the team. No way. That's a waste of time. He'll offer his kid all sorts of “helpful advice- from the stands, though.

“Choke up on that bat!-

“Set a better pick!-

“Aw, hell, we'll have to ‘talk' about that one when we get home, won't we, son? This pussy league may not keep score because you're only six, but you and I both know damn well that you're losing 22-3. We'll see if you're a little hungrier for a win when I don't let you eat for the next four days.-

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#2:The Creepy Coach

Within a year or two, he won't even be allowed within 200 yards of a school or park, so he needs to get all of his coaching done now. Sure, parents will wonder why a 35-year-old bachelor wants to coach the girls' swim team, but maybe he's just passionate about the backstroke.

His coaching methods may seem a bit unconventional at first, but it's like they always say: the team that showers together in front of the coach wins together in front of the coach. (No one has actually ever said that, but it sounds convincing, right?)

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#3:The Eastern European Coach

The Soviet Union collapsed 19 years ago, but the Eastern Bloc's compassionate training regimens live on through this coach. Whether it's berating a six-year-old gymnast with a flurry of expletive-laden Polish or telling a figure skater to stop crying and get back on the ice for a 14th straight hour of practice, this coach only cares about one thing: winning.

Well, winning and mustaches.

Often overheard saying: “Lots of good athlete begin first steroid cycle on ninth birthday! Bend over!-