You’ve never heard of them? Surprise, surprise.

1. If someone else likes it, it sucks.
2. Animal Collective is the meter stick by which to measure all other bands.
3. The more obscure the name, the better the band.  Exception: Arctic Monkeys.
4. Pass judgment upon those who listen to the radio. Pass judgment upon those who listen to Taylor Swift. Pass judgment.
5. Whiny male voices only, please.
6. Concert-wear must be adorned with at least one hole.  Clothing, shoe, or obscure body part will suffice.
7. Record stores + independent coffee shop = Valhalla.
8. Mountain Goats are a band, not a euphemism.
9. Never, ever show approval of a band any further than a stoic bobbing of the head.
10. Who (or what?) is Lady Gaga?