Okay, Okay, I'll Shave My Legs: A Treatise on Valentine's Day

    I told my boyfriend not to buy me flowers for Valentine’s Day. Why? Because if he buys me flowers, he won’t be able to afford taking me to Fresh Choice. That’s right. Fresh Choice.
    Fresh Choice because his stupid flowers don’t have unlimited helpings of bread pudding that I can top with unlimited helpings of chocolate ice cream and then sprinkle with limitless toasted coconut shavings. Flowers don’t have that. Fresh Choice has that. (Dear Fresh Choice, I am available for promotional appearances. Thanks.)
    Valentine’s Day is no big deal to me, and yes, I have a vagina and yes, I have boobs to go with it, and yes, they’re huge. I’m one of those fabled low-maintenance girls that you’ve heard about. I don’t care what I’m doing or where I am on special occasions as long as there is wine and food, preferably free food.
    One time I avoided quitting a job just so I could attend a company event with lobster and an overflowing open bar. Then I quit the next day.
If you’re dating one of those girls that drops cute little hits and puts a cute little vice around your wallet for Valentine’s Day, dump her. There are other, more awesome girls out there. Just because it is a holiday that chicks dig, doesn’t mean you have to shell out a pretty penny.
    However, if you are one of those guys that loves spontaneously surprising their girlfriends with flowers, diamonds and expensive dinners, dump her and call me. I know I said I was low-maintenance, but I could easily make the switch. Besides, she doesn’t appreciate it as much as a woman who has been wined and dined at Fresh Choice will.