On the Stratego Battlefield

Lieutenant: What do you think of our chances on the battlefield today, sir?

General: We can’t lose, lieutenant. Our flag is securely placed on the very last line.

Lieutenant: But what about the key vantage points and strategic troop formation?

General: Oh I have no idea. But rest assured the flag is well fortified.

Lieutenant: What is this with the flag? I mean the flag is great and all but I think our priorities should really be on subduing the enemy and advancing our battle plans.

General: No, no. We must protect the flag, or else the dastardly blue army shall win.

Lieutenant: That’s all they’re after? Hell, let’s just give them the damn thing. We can let one flag go; I’m sure we have like a million back home. It will save countless lives.

General: It’s too late. I’ve already had the flag surrounded by hidden bombs.

Lieutenant: Bombs? Are you crazy?

General: It’s the only way to protect it. They probably did the same thing.

Lieutenant: Why do we care about their flag?

General: Because we need it goddamnit!

Lieutenant: What happens if we capture it?

General: Well naturally the battle will promptly conclude, and we will be deemed the victors.

A scout walks into the camp

Scout: A fellow scout found one of the blue team’s captains!

Lieutenant: Fantastic news soldier! Did he kill or capture him?

Scout: Neither. In fact, our man was killed because he was outranked.

Lieutenant: Outranked? So what? Didn’t our man have a weapon of some sort?

Scout: Of course.

Lieutenant: And our scout is the one who initiated the action?

Scout: Yes.

Lieutenant: Then why didn’t he shoot him?

General: Damnit lieutenant you’re brash and I love you for it but you’ll never understand the rules of war.

Scout: What should I do now?

General: Run around the battlefield until you find a bomb.

Scout: Got it.

The scout leaves

Lieutenant: What will he do when he finds a bomb?

General: Well naturally he’ll blow up and die.

Lieutenant: Sir! What good is it to send soldiers to their deaths?

General: When he explodes we’ll know where the bomb is and we’ll send in a miner to defuse it.

Lieutenant: A miner?

General: Yes lieutenant. Miners are the only ones who can defuse bombs. That’s about all they’re good for too; they’re only slightly more competent than the lowly scout.

Lieutenant: So if bomb defusing is so crucial, why are these men with almost no combat training the only people who can do it?

General: Can you defuse a bomb, commander?

Lieutenant: No! That’s precisely the point!

The blue spy walks in

General: Oh shit.

Lieutenant: What is it?

General: It’s the spy! The only person who can destroy me.

Lieutenant: You have twelve years of tactical and weapons training. This guy is wearing a sequined cloak and a monocle. I think you can take care of him.

General: I could have subdued him had I initiated the move, but he saw me first, so I am powerless.

Lieutenant: What? Then let me kill him.

General: Put your weapon down lieutenant. I’m the one he’s after. This is how war works.

The blue spy stabs the General and runs away

Lieutenant: Oh my god! My general!

General: I need. . .you to do me a. . .favor before I. . .pass on.

Lieutenant: Anything sir. Anything.

General: It would bring me great honor. . .if you. . .charge deep into. . .enemy territory. . .

Lieutenant: . . .and avenge your death by winning the battle, establish a good strategic location and ensure a prosperous future for the red country?

General: No. . .no. . .not that. . .I just want you. . .to find. . .their. . .flag.

The general dies