So You've Forgotten Your Date's Name

Don’t panic.

Look around you. Visual clues can give you great memory aids! So can having unprotected memory sex, but that is less important. They also say that gesturing is a memory aid. Try waving your arms around a lot. If your date asks why, tell him you’re “practicing your technique… you know, for later.”

Then, begin the process of elimination.

Is your date male? Congratulations! You have narrowed the possibilities by 50%. If you can’t tell, ask him/her/it questions like, “What do you regret most about your childhood?” and “Show me on this doll where you would like to be touched later.”

Is your date female? Uh-oh! Women are enigmas. You won’t be able to find out her name. Instead, come up with a fun, “nick” name for her, like “Baby” or “Nickname” or “Don Draper.” Or better yet, your own name! If you shout this during sex, she’ll respect you more, because she’ll know you have a good sense of your own worth.

If your date says he/she/it “doesn’t believe in labels,” tell s/hi/t you were raised by labels, throw your drink in s/hi/ts face, and leave. Who needs the names of lame people? If your response to this is “Perhaps someone who is compiling a list of lame people,” congrats! You’re on the list!

Is your date breathing? If no, is your date person-shaped? If yes, maybe your date is a blow-up doll. Try letting some air out, just to test this theory.

If your date is not person-shaped or breathing, your date could be a table! Try tapping your date and asking, politely, “Are you a table, sir or madam?” If there is no response, you have found yourself a table! That’s a date you can take home and put in your apartment! Don’t introduce it to your parents, though, unless they’re “free-thinkers” (read: constantly high.)

If your date is person-shaped, but you can’t tell if he’s breathing or not, this is a good sign that your date has gone into cardiac arrest. Perform CPR. If your date attempts to resist, shout, “I’m saving your life!” He’ll understand and let you do what needs to be done.

If your date is breathing, you can rule out foul play.

Next, focus on making certain your date is not a celebrity. Begin by asking a simple math question. If the answer is correct, sorry! Your date is probably not a celebrity, unless, of course, it is Neil Patrick Harris, who is smart, in addition to being funny and an all-around good guy. Be careful not to use metric or “number of dime bags” as a unit! Celebrities know these because of their drug use.

If your date is a celebrity, you’re in luck! Engage in conversation normally. Eventually, the celebrity will run out of words and start screaming its name over and over again.

If your date is just a regular Joe, you don’t need a name! You won’t be able to name-drop that anywhere, unless you are trying to avoid getting a table at a fancy restaurant because you’re allergic to tiny bonus forks. Forget it, and start focusing on something more interesting, like drinking every time he says “that” or “I love you, and I want this to work.”

None of these help? There’s only one option left.

Are you in a cave? Ask your date if he needs dialysis! If he enthusiastically accepts— congratulations! You might have found Osama Bin Laden! Cuff him, and shout for the FBI. If you’re wrong, this will be a really cute how-we-met story you can tell your kids!