Elementary School Mafia

Jimmy: Donny, I hate to bother you like this, but we’ve got a problem.

Donny: (puts down his book) This better be important, Jimmy. I was just about to find out what happened to the pig who built his house out of sticks.

Jimmy: It is, Donny. Apparently some kid’s been moving in on our turf. I just caught Adam about to leave school early with a fake doctor’s note that definitely didn’t come from us. Plus, earlier in the day I saw some first grader using a fake ID to stay outside for third grade recess, and that didn’t come from us, either.

Donny: How do you know they weren’t ours?

Jimmy: All the words were spelled correctly. And none of the z’s looked like twos. And they worked.

Donny: Oh man, this guy must be good. What can you tell me about him?

Jimmy: Not much, unfortunately. I had to play nice with the first grader because Mr. Johansson was on recess duty, and I didn’t want to be around Adam for too long since he’s apparently got mad cow disease. All I found out is that this guy uses a lot of different names to keep the authorities guessing: Will, Bill, Willie, William. But most people only know him as…Billy.

Donny: Wow, intelligent and deceitful. Are you sure this kid isn’t some poacher from the middle school?

Jimmy: Yeah, I’m sure. His operation is supposedly based on the playground, and the last middle school kid to try that wound up bound and gagged wearing a pair of cement shoes at the bottom of the lake.

Donny: …Really? I thought he just got detention.

Jimmy: Right, detention, that’s what I meant.

Donny: Ok, so this Billy kid goes to our school and works out of the playground. Do you know where on the playground?

Jimmy: Well, I…I didn’t really want to tell you this, but I’ve heard his main hideout is in the jungle gym.

Donny: What?! But that jungle gym has been in my family name for years! I called dibs on it when I was in kindergarten; my older brother called dibs on it when he was in kindergarten; and…well, that’s it, actually, but rest assured that if I had any other older brothers, they would have called dibs on it when they were in kindergarten, too! Billy is going down!

Jimmy: But how? We don’t even really know who he is!

Donny: Don’t worry. I saw this a movie about this once, so I think I know exactly what to do. We’ll just go around to every Billy at the school and make them all offers they can’t refuse. Heh heh heh…

Jimmy: Yeah, heh heh heh. What are the offers going to be?

Donny: What?

Jimmy: The offers they can’t refuse? What are you going to offer them?

Donny: Umm…I’m not sure. My dad came home right after the fat man said that and told me I wasn’t old enough to watch this, so I never got to see what happened. But, ok, I guess we could…umm…geez, I don’t know. Hey, this game isn’t fun anymore, do you want to go back to playing Grand Theft Auto?

Jimmy: Totally.

Donny: Awesome. I’ll meet you at the Xbox in five minutes.

(Jimmy leaves; Donny picks his book back up)

Donny: Well I’ll be damned, that one fell down, too…