Superintendent: Are you the headmaster here?

Dumbledore: Why yes, yes I am. Also: I'm gay.

Superintendent: That's fine. Now about Hogwarts-

Dumbledore: Bet you didn't know that! Boom!

Superintendent: No one cares. Frankly, I'm not sure why you ever brought it up. All you're doing now is setting up some strange fan-fiction.

Dumbledore: What brings you here?

Superintendent: Hogwarts seems pretty dangerous. You know, relative to, well, anything.

Dumbledore: Oh, not really. Except for when the Chamber of Secrets was opened and a monster snake killed a girl and caused chaos fifty years later. That was bad.

Superintendent: Why does Hogwarts have a chamber of secrets in the first place?

Dumbledore: Oh, that's just Slytherin stuff. They do stuff like that. You know, evil.

Superintendent: An entire quarter of your school is definitively evil? Shouldn't you do something about that?

Dumbledore: (shrugs)

Superintendent: Did you ever shut it down?

Dumbledore: No, but an eleven year old went on an epic quest and killed the monster. I am, like, 90% sure there was only one monster. I promise.

Superintendent: Well, still-

Dumbledore: 80%. But so far, so good. Well, except for all the Dementor stuff.

Superintendent: You should probably take care of all your horrible, horrible monsters.

Dumbledore: Don't worry! All our monsters are taken care of by Hagrid, a lovable goofball in no way professionally trained. Also, you know, the guy who was convicted for the monsters killing that girl before.

Superintendent: Is there literally no one else available?

Dumbledore: The best part is he's also a giant monster, too. See? Synergy. Trust me.

Superintendent: Didn't you once hire Voldemort himself? As in, the most evil man in existence?

Dumbledore: Well yeah, but to be fair, he was hiding in the back of this one guy's head.

Superintendent: I feel like you should screen for that.

Dumbledore: Why would I ever think to screen somebody wearing a turban?

Superintendent: I'm just saying this school seems really dangerous. A lot of people end up dead.

Dumbledore: Well, I suppose but-

Superintendent: Like, I'm pretty sure you were killed too. Just saying.

Dumbledore: Spoiler alert, jackass.