Santa Prefers Christmas

Santa: Alright, here we go. You all know the drill- half the presents are just warm clothes, eggnog is still gross, and poor kids don’t get good presents, but instead learn the true meaning of Christmas.

Elf: Which is?

Santa: Oh…right. Forgot that one. How about “Santa believes in trickle-down economics”.

Elf: Oof.

Santa: And all the kids who just want to stay home and play with my awesome toys will have to go to boring church to hear about boring Jesus. Just so they know who to really pray to next time. Hint: it’s the guy with toys.

Elf: But Santa, is that really the meaning of the holidays?

Santa: …you mean Christmas?

Elf: Well, it’s the Holiday season-

Santa: No, it’s the Christmas season. That’s it. That’s the holiday.

Elf: Well no, see, there’s also Hannukah. It’s, um, just as good as Christmas. And it’s eight nights!

Santa: Wow, eight nights? Huh, thatisimpressive. Man, that reminds me of that time I totally made winter my bitch. Yeah, that’s right. Winter. All of it. Thanksgiving day parade to when they take down lights in February. Winter. Is. My. Bitch. But no, wow, eight whole days, Hannukah? Pat yourself on the back…

Elf: …It also hasgelt.

Santa: Gelt?

Elf: It’s stale chocolate in the shape of golden coins, and stores sell it in small sacks.

Santa: Wait, really?They chose sacks of golden coinsfor Hannukah chocolate? I mean, that’s not even Hannukah-relevant, right? That…that is just not good P.R, Jews.

Elf: And they use those golden coins to gamble in their dreidel game.

Santa: Wow. Are you serious? If these other holidays are as stereotypical as they seem, I have a few verrrrry offensive assumptions to make about Kwanzza.

Elf: Please don’t.

Santa: …not to even mention Mexican-mas. And what about the Islams? Do they have a holiday?

Elf: Please stop calling them that. It’s kind of offensive.

Santa: Oh come on. I’m a fat bearded guy who lives in a secluded frosted cabin with stockpiles. What did you think my political beliefs were?

Elf: …

Santa: If only 50 Cent were here to teach me the true meaning of the Kwanzaa season.