CollegeHumor New Year's Resolutions

I never follow through with my New Year’s resolutions… So this year I’m going to get fat, fail at writing a screen play, and not travel to a foreign country.

To finally cure dog herpes.

To find out why the superior aspect of my trapezius muscle lacks pin-prick sensation…and to stop using medical jargon I heard on House in a poor attempt to impress girls.

I’m going to read more European literature, starting with Mein Kampf.

My resolution is to stop bragging so much.  People can see how good you are, Street, you don’t have to tell them! 

I resolve to put a joke here before this article posts.

I resolve to be the second man, but first criminal, to die on mars.

Follow my dreams, but maintain a distance of 50 feet between us as stipulated in the restraining order.

I’m going to stop telling people I invented the Radio and that I directed Radio with Cuba Gooding Jr.

I’m going to give Flash Forward another chance, and watch the second season. Let’s do it Fiennes!

To stop being so vague about stuff.

I resolve to stop referring to Glee fanatics as “Glaggots” and instead use the correct term, “Glouchebag.”

To write a cult comedy, even if there isn’t anything particularly humorous about a thousand people simultaneously drinking poisoned Kool-Aid.

I resolve to quit drinking. Not sure what I’m going to do without water, but I’ll figure something out.

I promise to stop begging for “Plus Ones” to funerals. Also to stop asking the widows if “this sh*t is open bar.”

To walk on the moon!  Also to have more realistic expectations for 2012.

No resolution for me. I’m staying right here in 2010.

Next year I resolve to figure out how to deactivate email signatures.

-we straghit drrrruuunk up in this biznatch oh sdhit y’all look i’m makingan rmail signture!! fckkin SKYNNNNYRRRRDDD!11!-