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My girlfriend and I were having troubles in bed. One night, while talking about it openly, I was going to mention something another girl had told me: That her best sex was with assholes because she could just treat them like objects. Before I could get to the bit about objects, my girlfriend interjects, "Yeah, assholes have bigger dicks."
It's fair to say that the subtle art of flirting ain't one of my strong points. This fact was driven home a few years ago after one of my studly friends gave me some much-needed advice on the subject. In his words, "Girls love guys who love animals, so make sure you mention your pets frequently." Unfortunately, however, the only pets I was keeping at the time were of reptilian persuasion. The very next week, while attempting to flirt with a girl who appeared, miraculously, to be somewhat interested in me, I decided to pull this advice into action. The result? Without realizing an innuendo that's now obvious in retrospect, I told her how proud I was of "my pet snake. He's grown nine inches this year!"
I was watching the Argentina-Nigeria World Cup Match with my girlfriend on TV. The referee was dressed in yellow. My girlfriend asked me why the Brazilian player had no teammates.
My girlfriend and I decided to try dry humping recently. The first time I got a little overexcited and creamed my pants while laying on top of her. My girlfriend, who is quite paranoid, had a minor pregnancy scare because she thought my sperm could "swim through our jeans." So the next time we did it she made me go finish in the bathroom. When the time came, I hopped off and went in the bathroom and finish up. I dumped my load in one of the two sinks and started the water running. After toweling my best friend off down there I noticed that the sink had filled with water, and my semen was swimming around in it. I asked my girlfriend if there was a problem with the sink and she blithely told me it was clogged. After explaining the situation to her she could not stop laughing at me for the whole two hours it took it to completely drain out. I just had to pick that sink
I once got so drunk I told a girl to call me daddy after I introduced myself.
When I was 18, I brought my (ex) girlfriend to meet my mum. I was still living with at my mum's then so we went up to my room for some 'privacy'. It was our first time together, and she was rather vocal to say the least. As I went to walk her home, she said thanks to my mum for dinner. Without missing a beat, my mum said "I don't think it's me you need to be thanking". I tried to hold in my laughter as the girl turned bright red.
While having sex with my GF I faked an orgasm by peeing a little so I could go play black ops.
This Week's, “Your Girlfriend is Cheating on You- Award Goes to:
I've bought my girlfriend 4 pregnancy tests in two months we've never had sex.