Disney Princesses Have Romance Problems

Jasmine: But this romance can never be! You’re not a prince, and my father is too protective to even let me out of the castle!

Aladdin: So he’s that protective, but he still let’s you dress like that.

Jasmine: Excuse me?

Aladdin: Also, you have a pet tiger. I’m just saying. But I found a genie, so it’s all good.

Jasmine: That’s perfect! You can wish to be a prince and win my heart through a series of difficult challenges, and battles with the evil Jafar so we can be wed!

Aladdin: Nah. I just wished for a million whores.

Jasmine: Wow. Um, well you still jave-

Aladdin: But then I remembered: a million whores isn’t cool. You know what’s cool?

Jasmine: …a billion-

Aladdin: Laser vision. Laser vision is cool as shit.

Jasmine: Huh. But of course you used your third wish to free the geni-

Aladdin: Forty trillion whores.

Snow White: Yawn…oh brave prince! You woke me!

Prince Charming: Ohmygodshe’saliveohgod…

Snow White: What?

Prince Charming: I mean yes. That is exactly what I wanted to do. Wake you up.

Snow White: Where are your pants?

Mulan: Captain! I…I have a secret.

Captain: I too, have an announcement. I love you-

Mulan: I’m a woman!

(pause)

Mulan: Wait. Did you say that before I-

Captain: Oh…wow. Uh…yikes. Nevermind. My bad.

Mulan: Wait, what? So you’re-

Captain: I made us do all our training in the form of an elaborate musical. What exactly did you expect?

Ariel: It’s true. I was a mermaid- I used to be a fish from the waist down.

Prince: Huh. Well, at least that explains the smell.