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Mike Milo

Proposed Additions To Webster's College Dictionary

by Mike Milo on

Procrasturbation – n  (Procrasturbate – v)
1.  Masturbation to avoid work.
Usage:  “I’m sorry, procrasturbation is not a valid excuse for turning in a project two days late.”
… See also:  Mathturbation

Mess Entropy – n
1.  The tendency of mess to occupy all space available to it.
Application:  “Regardless of a room’s size, mess will expand to fill it.”


Sorostitute – n
1.  A college-aged female, often a member of a sorority, who through provocative dress (or direct action) projects the mental image of a grain of rice being dropped into a mine shaft.
Example:  “A winter-sorostitute is easy to identify, by a combination of visor-style sunglasses, knee-high sherpa boots, and a hot-pink miniskirt in January.

T.A.sian – n
1.  A T.A. of foreign descent, whose first three languages do not include English.  Known to incorporate grading curves based on factors such as weather, time of day, and favorite colors.
Usage:  “I’m not going to Lab anymore – my T.A.sian hates me.”
… See also:  Engrish,  Futility

Mathturbation – n  (Mathturbate – v)
1.  Math done purely for math’s sake.  Occurs in courses where the professor takes 90% of a lecture to derive equations already presented in the book.
2.  Doing math-oriented activities out of boredom.  Ex., “The Secret Lives Of Numbers”.

Petrifried Food – n
1.  Dining hall food cooked in so much grease that it adopts the material properties of rock.
2.  Food left out long enough that it cools, hardens, and eventually becomes safe to eat again.
Usage:  “Pizza becomes petrifried after approximately 3 days of open-air exposure.”

Dormwhore – n
1.  A female (or male) student who has had sexual relations with the majority of people from her/his own dorm.
… See also:  Dormcest

Myth – n
… See:  Office Hours, Financial Aid, Long-Distance Relationships, Bus Schedule, Cheap Books, Liberal-Arts Job Fair, and Sleep

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Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do... Read More » not have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.