Day 1 First impressions

 

            My boss likes to keep an open door policy, his door is always open as long as you never enter it. Also he likes to keep a closed door policy, if something breaks hide it somewhere and close the door. Furthermore he is always right unless and until a superior steps in to disagree, God is yet to answer that call.

 

            Day 2 Working hours

 

            There are three division heads at the office and each of them has around 150 dead relatives per year, I've been told that the said unfortunate individuals die on a rotating principle. This week my division's director had his mother in law die twice. We even got to celebrate the second funeral in the toilet, his wife works in accounting. Also I had my first lunch break today and enjoyed all 5 hours of it to a mild extent, I had just a sandwich and had to chew it vigorously to manage the time. Later on I pointed out that given the amount of time people in our office spent on breaks and trips to the lavatory we are actually working a -1,2 hours a day. I was subsequently told to stick my opinion up somewhere the sun doesn't shine. I wrote it down on a piece of paper and stuck it up the AC unit on the second floor… It jammed.

 

            Day 4 Weekends

 

            I learned the week strategy guide. It was simple. On Monday we do not work because we're too exhausted from the weekend, on Tuesday we don't work because we're still not geared up for work after the break. Wednesdays are regular working days. On Thursday we are too tired from working on the previous day so we don’t work and on Friday we’re getting ready for the weekend. At this point I inquired if that means we work only on all Wednesdays. They answered “Don’t be silly we take a break every other Wednesday.” So I stopped being silly and took the day off.

 

            Day 10 Catering

 

            As an intern it is important to learn how to make coffee according to all the tastes in the office. Accounting pays me 10 $ to put salt in the coffee of our division, while my division head pays me 15 $ to put expired milk in the fridge of accounting. I no longer drink coffee.

 

            Day 13 Punctuality

 

            My direct superior is always late, he says the reason is traffic jams, yet he lives across the street. It turns out that arriving on time is unimportant in our establishment as there is no one to document it. Also I try to leave on time but after getting locked in twice I forfeit the matter.

            Day 17 Communication

 

            According to my direct superior the division head is an incredibly [explicit] annoying old [explicit] who is a good for nothing [explicit] [explicit] that should have [explicit] died ages ago. I discussed the matter with the division head as to whether the feelings were mutual and according to him my direct superior is [explicit] fired. My new direct superior does not speak to me.

 

            Day 20 Esprit de corps

 

            The sales department has a running competition for the end year bonuses. The bonuses are given according to a rigorous set of requirements. The candidates are evaluated on gender, appearances (implants are a plus), fashion sense and the style of the car they are currently in possession of. I asked whether it would be more appropriate to base the bonuses on the amount of sales generated by each seller. The reply by the seller was formulated as such “Boy, I come to work everyday, what more do you want from me.”

 

            Day 29 Utilities

 

            There is a strange ritual according to which there is never any toilet paper in the toilet in our firm. I have been told that it is because we need to always strive to make ourselves more resourceful and it helps save the environment. Also I have discovered that even though a considerable amount of funds are being spent on soap and detergents they never reach their destinations but I have seen the cleaning staff carry off large amounts home. They must be evaluating them. Furthermore the water in the lavatories is a bit rusty as we are currently implementing a cost reduction effort on pipe repairs for an indefinite time or as management says “Until the bloody place floods!” I wonder why my colleagues use the facilities as little as possible.

 

            Day 40 Homecoming

 

            Today was the last day I had to work in the office. I brought cake and chocolates for the entire office. Subsequently the cake was stolen and the chocolates were confiscated by higher management. As a going away present I was given 50 $ and told to get lunch from the restaurant 4 km away. By the time I got back everybody had already packed my stuff in a neat metal container also known as dumpster. Overall the division head was quite pleased with my performance and said that I could go anywhere in life if I really wanted to. His exact words were “You can go to hell for all I care!”