“WE HAVE JUSTIN BIEBER”

By Michael Lake

 

Summary: A radio station in desperate need of attention plans on playing Justin Bieber … all day long You’re listening to Jerry and the Fizz in the morning! I’m your host Jerry, and joining me as always is my co-host, the Fizz.

 

the fizz

The Fizz!!!!!!!

 

jerry

The Fizz indeed. Now folks, we’re not going to lie to you, the situation has recently made a few budgetary cutbacks, which has been, to make a small pun, rather taxing on the Fizz and I, we’ve both suffered grievous 25% pay cuts, which is why…

 

the fizz

WE’RE STICKING IT TO THE MAN!!!

 

jerry

Yes…well…you’ve probably realized by now that our cutbacks have reduced us to not being able to afford the actual rights to popular songs so much as the a capella versions of them. Our popularity has taken a steep decline. But we expect that to change today, friends. Call up everybody you know and tell them that Jerry and the Fizz are about to make a very important announcement.

 

the fizz

Had to move back in with my mom!

 

jerry

… He’s collaborated with many of the greats, taken the music by storm, at only the tender age of …

 

the fizz

I hate sharing a bathroom!

 

jerry

…He’s only 16, a heartthrob to millions of teenage girls, and if you don’t mind me saying so, the owner of some luscious golden locks, ladies and gentlemen, we have Justin Bieber!

 

the fizz

Bieber, baby!

 

jerry

So call into 555 JER-FIZZ if you like  JUSTIN BIEBER!

 

(RINGING SOUNDS)

 

OH SNAP! Caller on the line!

 

caller

I’m not sure what’s wrong, but I thought I heard you say you were going to play some Bieber and nothing’s coming through.

 

jerry

Oh, we gotta give him time to get ready folks.

 

the fizz

Justin Bieber in the house!

 

caller

I’m on my way to work and I need my Bieber fix. Please don’t disappoint me. Also, how could you afford his appearance fee if you’re so seemingly destitute?

 

jerry

Folks, for those of you joining us just now The Fizz and I have kidnapped teen singing sensation Justin Bieber and are demanding 25 million dollars if you would ever like to see him again.

 

the fizz

There it is!

 

jerry

Listen to J-Biebs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, until we get our millions of dollars. Listen to Justin sing your faves at gunpoint, hear his auto-tuned cries for help. Justin recently told People magazine he refuses to speak to anyone about the Selena Gomez situation but…

 

the fizz

WE’RE GONNA MAKE HIM TALK!

 

caller

Did you say 24 hours a day? I’m confused, are you killing him or not?

 

jerry

No! We’re just going to force him to sing the whole time.

 

caller

Oh. Well, that’s okay. Just don’t kill him.

 

 

jerry

Well, we might!

 

caller

How can he sing for you if he’s dead? Nobody’s going to tune in to listen to silence. There are some holes in this plan.

 

jerry

Damn it! You’re right.

 

the fizz

P-p-p-poorly planned crime in the morning!

 

jerry

Shut up, the Fizz! Go get Justin so we can beat him up a bit, I guess.

 

The Fizz walks offstage and returns with a gagged Justin Bieber. They take turns throwing punches at him. Bieber starts to cry.

 

the fizz

Don’t tell your mom about this!

 

caller

Don’t touch his hair!

 

jerry

You’re “JUSTIN” time. The world is listening, Bieber. Sing your heart out!

 

Muffled speaking.

 

the fizz

He’s trying to say he can’t sing with a gag in his mouth!

 

The Fizz ungags Bieber. Bieber bites his hand.

 

the fizz (cont’d)

Whoa! I gots bit by JUSTIN BIEBER!

 

Bieber precedes to kick The Fizz in the nuts.

 

the fizz (cont’d)

Nuts kick from the Bieber train!

 

Jerry moves forward to defend himself. Bieber shoves both of them to the ground. He produces some rope which he uses to tie them both up.

 

justin bieber

So…are we going to fuck or what?

 

(FADE. MUSIC PLAYS: JUSTIN BIEBER’s “BABY”)

 

(END)