How To Absolutely Guarantee That You'll Have A Girlfriend by Valentine's Day

1. Acquire $500 dollars. If your good, you’ll get this money back, either way, you’ll have a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, so who cares, right?

2. Get some businessman looking guy to wear a suit and approach the girl you want to date. It can be any girl, at least as long as she has an extremely vague conception of who you are.

3. Businessman looking guy tells girl something like this:
“Hello. My name is Mr. Jones and I am here representing Mr. Weatherworth, CEO. I understand that you know (your name), and I also understand that (your name) has a crush on you. What you may not be aware of is that (your name) is an extremely successful entrepreneur and the sole competitor of my employer, Mr. Weatherworth, CEO. And Mr. Weatherworth’s company has stocks, which are plummeting while (your name’s) stocks are through the roof. So I have come here to offer you a gift. Here’s $500 dollars. Find out (your name’s) secret. If any information you bring back to me is helpful, at all, than I have another $10,000 dollars for you. Here’s my card. Have a nice day.”

4. He drives off in a limo.

5. Girl approaches you. You ask her out. She obviously says yes because even if she doesn’t like you, there’s potentially $10,000 dollars in it for her.

6. You have sex with her. Obviously she will because she feels guilty.

7. You get her to fall in love with you, she professes her guilt and to make it up to you she buys $500 dollars worth of candy or something.