By Jamie Brew & Zack Bornstein
You’re neck-deep in debt. You feel like there’s no way out. Oh dear! But don’t fret now, Billy Bankrupt, because you can kill your debt using only a few common household items! All you need is: 1) A chair, 2) rope, and 3) a strong support beam. To go debt-free in minutes, just sit in the chair, use the rope to lasso a phone to call your choice of debt management company, and have the sturdy support beam there to keep your house erect while you fill out the proper paperwork. Goodbye cruel world, hello debt-free world!
You’re in the woods and it’s getting darker and it’s getting colder. And you remember seeing that family of wild bears only a half-mile away. Oh no! Well don’t worry, Grizzly Adams, because you can make fire with only a few common household items! All you need is: 1) a knife, 2) a lighter, and 3) a buddy. Find dense dry foliage with your buddy, then threaten the motherfucker at knifepoint until he makes you a motherfucking fire. If he won’t do it, torture him with the lighter. A little motivation goes a long way.
You’re trying to make dinner, but you just can’t get the guacamole to taste right. Ay, no! Not a problem, Gordon Ramsay, because you can still save supper with just a few common ingredients! All you need is: 1) a cup and a half of flour, 2) a bottle of your favorite zesty hot sauce, and 3) a tub of sour cream. Sift idly through the flour while thinking about what a failure you are and how you’ll never become a great chef like your parents always wanted. Angrily bang your fist into the flour, then go ahead and pour all of that hot sauce into the guacamole. Of course it tastes awful, but you just want to feel something. Anything. Then eat that sour cream. All of it. Slop it into your face-hole with your hands. You’re so fucking huge it doesn’t even make a difference anymore.
It's Valentines Day, so you've rented A Clockwork Orange on VHS to watch alone again, but your cars tires keep slipping in the snow, and at this rate you'll never make it home from the store. Solve this slippery situation with only a few common household items! All you need is: 1) tire chains, 2) an AAA membership, and 3) a cellphone. Use your cellphone to call AAA two towns over for them to send an emergency specialist. Once they've confirmed that Jerry is on his way, chuck your phone into the snow, slap on the chains yourself, and haul ass back home. Curl into the fetal position on the couch and turn the volume way up so you can't hear the house phone ring.
Your relationship with your girlfriend Melissa is on the rocks. Ignoring all her calls on Valentines Day probably raised a few red flags. She obviously wishes she could do better than someone with a dead-end job writing scripts for public service announcements. Ouch! Who the fuck does she think she is, judging you like that? But it isn’t over yet. You can still win her back, and with the help of only three common household items. All you need is: 1) whatever, 2) I don't care, and 3) who gives a fuck?
You’re a shell of your former self. You’ve forgotten the innocent joy of your childhood and begun shriveling into senility. The perfunctory formalities of human interaction are nothing but a distraction from ever-impending death, and your inward recognition of this fact only serves to distance you further from the people you once claimed to love. Bummer! Find three household items it does not matter which ones and burn them above the spot where, learning to drive in your family’s Ford Focus, you accidentally struck down your first cat, Cookie. Watch the ashes as they go.