Staff Picks

Charlie Sheen vs. Ron Burgundy: Who Said It?

by Dan Gurewitch on March 1, 2011

In the media firestorm surrounding Charlie Sheen’s recent outbursts, we are all left asking the same question: Were those lines delivered by Will Ferrell as his character Ron Burgundy in the feature film “Anchorman,” or did an actual human being form these sentences in real life? I honestly can’t tell the difference. Can you?

Simply roll your mouse over the text to see whose insanity you’re perusing.

Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.

I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.

I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn.

I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time – and this includes naps – I’m an F-18, bro.

I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.

My life is perfect and winning every second, and I’m delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.

I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone! Come see how good I look!

I’m going to hang out with these two smokin’ hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view.

[I have] tiger blood and Adonis DNA.

I can barely lift my right arm ‘cause I did so many push-ups. I don’t know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.

I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels, especially if he winds up in my octagon.

If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I’ve got Jack Johnson and Tom O’Leary waiting for ya, right here.

Let’s go over the ground rules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face… AND THAT’S IT!

If you try [my drug], you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

I’m gonna punch you in the ovary, that’s what I’m gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

I am a werewolf stampede. I will stomp on your infant minds with my righteous fuzzy toes.

Vatican assassin warlocks!

You are a smelly pirate hooker!

I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain!

I have no interest in [the public’s] retarded opinions. I’m gonna win inside every moment, and they can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show.

We will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won’t be invited.

[Normal people] lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, I can’t process it.

I’m in a glass case of emotion!

I am battle-tested bayonets!

I’m expressing my anguish through the majesty of song!

You can’t process me with a normal brain.