"105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Eight" by 105%-O-Matic

I usually don't mind being called "Chief" or "Boss" by a waiter, but "Infallible Table Pope" seems a bit much.

-Steve Powers

One day I'm going to start a mother-son dating site called Oedipal Arrangements.

If Life gives you lemons, then you are playing a ridiculously specific version. Normally it's just like "have a kid" or "get a job".

-David Fromstein

I can't tell you how many times I've been mistaken for Jon Hamm. But I guess that comes with the territory after you steal his credit card and SS#

-Rich Piepho

I was talking to my girlfriend about Yoga. She said it could cure all illness and disease. I think it's a stretch.

-Mike Fagan

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was a reverse 360 ollie while listening to some Reel Big Fish tunes.

-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman

Umbrellas are like wands with only one spell, "Keepmeo Dryo."

-Rj Zarate

Call me old-fashioned, but I think the guy should be the one who asks the girl out. If granted permission from the Sun God, Ra, of course.

-Connor Dowd

I don't usually get stage fright, but the guy using the urinal next to mine keeps staring at me. I'll never be able to sh*t now.

-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures

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