Reasons You're Still Single

You…

Own a 60-inch flat-screen plasma television, but sleep on a broken futon.

Have a ferret on your shoulder, and you’re at the mall.

Own tie-dyed gym clothes.

Only feel truly alive at the renaissance fair jousting area.

Have your “lucky” anal beads hanging from your rear-view mirror.

List “Dungeonmaster” on your business card.

Hug amusement-park mascots.

Own a “It’s Not Going to Suck Itself” T-shirt and the “Not” has faded away.

Will do anything for “shits and giggles.”

Display with pride your framed degree from drunk-driving school.

Have a “Peeing Calvin” decal on your electric car.

Perform yoga in parks.

Have a dangerously high Thetan count.

Bring your camera to Happy Hour.

Sleep wearing only a shirt, Porky Pig-style.

Refuse to drink any beer that has not been “beachwood aged.”

Can only make love while blasting “Orinoco Flow” by Enya.

Favorite pickup line: “Hi, I once beat to death an elderly deaf man.”

Have taken a date to a restaurant with license plates and antique rakes on the walls.

Consider yo-yo tricks a wonderful way to break the ice.

Define wearing an umbrella hat as your “calling card.”

Carry an NPR Fresh Air tote bag.

Have a screen saver of yourself posing with your Frisbee-golf bros.

Believe the mouth is self-cleaning.

Proudly display a Winnie the Pooh flag.

Initiate wedding line-dances.

Own the complete trilogy of Benji novelizations.

Steadfastly refuse to remove that birthmark in the shape of a swastika.

Scream out Wheel of Fortune answers.

Own slot-machine gloves.

Emulate the fashion sense exhibited by the Rastafarian culture.

Refer to your penis as “Da Mayor.”

Purchased your dining-room set using “Marlboro Miles.”

Have an essentially unattractive appearance and/or personality.


Co-written by Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, and Ted Travelstead



Mike Sacks has written for Vanity Fair, Esquire, GQ, The New Yorker, Time, McSweeney’s, and other publications. He has worked at The Washington Post, and is currently on the editorial staff of Vanity Fair.

His third and latest book, Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason, contains 54 short humor pieces and is available now from Amazon.