Things You MUST Do Before You Grow Too Old

Drink from big-boy cup

Emerge nude, from a large, hollow cake, into an empty, cavernous banquet hall

Have sexual relations while listening to “Crazy Train”

Dismount the mechanical bull you’ve been riding for 28 years

End a business transaction with the words “No condom, no yum-yum”

Solo on your steel drums in public

Patiently explain to your elderly uncle what genderf*cking is all about

Be the first person in your family to pass a Breathalyzer test knee-deep in a swamp

Get trampled by hogs

Give a PowerPoint presentation without being steadied by angel dust

Mail The Golden Child back to Netflix

Walk around Disney World clutching a samurai sword

Cheer up a sick child by wearing a clown nose fashioned from a red enema ball

Feel the rush of breaking your back in a trampoline accident

Dance like nobody’s watching or laughing or throwing garbage at you

Tug frantically at emergency chute

Become of member of Greyhound Bus Line’s infamous “36-Inch-High Club”

Spend a crisp fall day buying panties from a Japanese vending machine

Be the first in the neighborhood to flee from an encroaching minority group

Volunteer to be the first citizen in space with a severe inner-ear problem

Ask for a raise. And then a job.

Blast the shit out of House of Pain’s “Jump Around”

Design the perfect cape

Tell your in-laws how much you love them and need them to invest in your frozen-yogurt business

Visit Martha’s Vineyard and talk to Carly Simon about stuff

Stow away behind the amps on a Sammy Hagar Cabo Wabo Around-The-World Cruise

Visit Walden Pond and laconically masturbate in a canoe

Forgive Bono

Really get your delts looking super-tight

Let someone besides your bookie cut your hair

Join the Klan- but only attend the barbecues and toy drives

Just once, really jam on the funk

Mike Sacks has written for Vanity Fair, Esquire, GQ, The New Yorker, Time, McSweeney’s, and other publications. He has worked at The Washington Post, and is currently on the editorial staff of Vanity Fair.

His third and latest book, Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason, contains 54 short humor pieces and is available now from Amazon.