You Can Black Out In Other Colors, Too

White:

Brought on by: A nice glass of White Zinfandel and the new episode of How I Met Your Mother.
Just before: “Boy, I wish I lived on the Lower East Side!”
When you wake up: You are at the Apple keynote address, applauding emphatically for something thin.

Red:

Brought on by: The sight of Sarah Palin’s “One Nation” bus cresting the hill of the land she loves so well.
Just before: “Owning a gun could be pretty fun…”
When you wake up: You are tearing up asphalt with a shovel shaped like an eagle to protest government intervention into private road-building.

Orange:

Brought on by: Oranges.
Just before: “I love oranges!”
When you wake up: You are dead. ORANGES KILL.

Black And Yellow:

Brought on by: BEEEEEEES.
Just before: “WHERE DID THESE GOD DAMN BEES COME FROM?!”
When you wake up: Bees.

Green:

Brought on by: Switching to soy milk in your morning cereal.
Just before: “I’ve been reading Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer, and it’s really making me think about where what I eat, like, comes from?”
When you wake up: You are at a farmer’s market, selling locally produced artisanal cheeses to a guy with a carabiner and a chain lock slung across his chest.

Blue:

Brought on by: Water. Normal, American water.
Just before: “A little water’s never hurt anybody!”
When you wake up: Turns out the water was bees.

Pink:

Brought on by: Dismantling the societally constructed gender binary.
Just before: “Do you prefer zhe or hir?”
When you wake up: You are more conscientious and open, and a valued pillar of your local community. Congratulations!

Plaid:

Brought on by: Being 14 and owning a fedora.
Just before: “Have you guys heard this band, Reel Big Fish?”
When you wake up: You have become the bassist for Badfish: A Tribute To Sublime. Congratulations?

Striped:

Brought on by: “Beetlejuice!”
Just before: “Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice…”
When you wake up: Beetlejuice.

Grey:

Brought on by: Just hanging out or something, I guess.
Just before: “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
When you wake up: Whatever.

Tie-Dye:

Brought on by: Some really powerful vibes that put your chakras into perfect syzygy.
Just before: “You know, there are some pretty incredible uses for hemp.”
When you wake up: You are being pulled onto the Which stage at Bonnaroo to play tambourine with Michael Franti and Spearhead.

Sepia:

Brought on by: Sarsaparilla.
Just before: “Would I look cool if my sideburns and my mustache were a single entity?”
When you wake up: You are writing a letter by candlelight to tell your betrothed of the seizing of Fort Rumrich by rebel forces. Your leg has been amputated at the knee.

Inverted:

Brought on by: Ctrl + Option + Command + 8
Just before: “Ha ha ha, this is so gonna mess with the next person to use this computer cluster!”
When you wake up: You are in Upsy-Down Town, where dogs walk people, the land is ocean, and the president is white.

Blacker Than Black:

Brought on by: A BAC higher than your height in centimeters.
Just before: “Hey you guys, what if I did a kegstand of everything?”
When you wake up: You have peed on everything. Everything has your pee on it.