7. Mario and Peach

The Relationship: Alright, if you're on this site, you know this one. If you somehow don't, just google it- wait, actually, don't google it. You may find some…things.

The Problems: It's not a class issue: even Luigi managed to score a princess in the Mushroom Kingdom and, come on, he's Luigi here. No, the problem is that Princess Peach and Bowser are clearly doing the warp-pipe shuffle behind Mario's mustachioed back.

I'll give you a minute.

But Lev, you're saying, calling my name out to the computer with a plaintive wail of disbelief. "There are eight koopa kids, each with their own castle, plus Baby Bowser. How could Bowser and Peach crank that many out while she was captured?" Well, reader, maybe they didn't. Maybe the princess got peached while they were all together playing tennis. Or baseball. Or soccer. They have a lot of opportunities. And if Bowser really isn't hitting that, why is he so eager to spend summer recreation around his general enemies?