10 Things I Hate About You: Tecmo Bowl

Although I’m a big fan of the first installment of this storied franchise, its not difficult to point out its flaws.  Here are a few.

10.  The Opening Kick-off

If you’re playing by yourself you are always forced to take the opening kickoff.  Everybody knows a touchdown to start the second half totally helps you with the crowd and momentum and stuff.  Note: I do not believe this paticular video game factors in crowd response.

9.  The Dallas Cowboys Outdated Roster

The players on the Cowboys are so obscure and outdated there are really no players for me to hate.  Give me names like Micheal Irvin, Troy Aikman, and Emmit Smith and I can do some hating.  Don’t give me names like Danny White, Tim Newsome, Doug Cosbie, and Kevlin Martin.  I don’t even thinks its funny to bring these guys up as comic references.  Note: I know you probably think I hate the Cowboys now, but I seriously heard Micheal Irvin did lines of coke off of Leon Lett’s dick.

8.  Charecter Desings

There are two charecter designs in the game; white dudes and black dudes.  However there are so many more colors of dudes for me to blindly (albeit passionately) hate.  Note: I am a racist.

7.  No Pittsburgh Steelers

I’m about a big a homer as they get, so I’m obviously disapointed that my hometown team is not represented.  So I’m forced to play as the L.A. Raiders.  But I’ve always wantted to play as my favorite vintage ’88 Stillers: Bubbly Brister, Steve Bono, Earnest Jackson, Louis Lipps, Rod Woodson, Rollin Putzier, and Harry Newsome.  Oh well I guess it wasn’t meant to be.  Note: Harry Newsome is of no relation to that homo Tim Newsome from the Cowboys.

6.  Blocking Extra Points

There is a glitch in the animation if you block extra points.  They apparently used the same animation for the kciking sequences of both field goals and extra points.  So if you block an extra point it comes up with the change of possssesion bar (You know, NEXT OFFENSE NEXT DEFFENSE).  Come on Tecmo beta test your goods.  Note: This isn’t funny it just bothers me.

5.  Statistics

Much like Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, and unlike its successor Tecmo Super Bowl, the weak password system does not carry over any statistics.  How am I supposed to keep track of how many thousands of yards and touchdowns Bo Jackson has?  Note: Touchdowns are also on the order of thousands when it comes to how many Bo Jackson scores in a season.

4.  Coaching Option

Sure you can coach Bo Jackson to 75 yards a carry, but what fun is that?  Note: This has to be the lamest feature in any video game ever made.

3.  Bo Jackson Don’t Get Caught From Behind

I’ve seen it happen in this game and its against everything I’ve learned in my life. Note: I hate unrealistic video games.

2.  Marcus Allen

You hit <- A to give him a carry every once in awhile and what  do you get?  Like 40 yards.  Way to go Marcus Allen really bringing down the teams stats. Note: Marcus Allen is useless if you have Bo Jackson.

1.  The Fact I Can’t Put Howie Long at Quarterback

I’m one for the old addage “You are what you eat.“  Howie Long eats quarterbacks.  Note: That makes Troy Aikman Emmit Smith’s cornhole.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.