11. Google Deity

Design your own idol and then begin converting others to your burgeoning faith. Deliver sermons and ascend worthy friends and family to priesthood. Use Google analytics to reach out to key ignorant masses that are ripe for conversion. Join now to get access to a beta key for the upcoming_ Google Martyr_ initiative!

12. Google Taste

Google FINALLY gives you the ability to taste the internet! Experience the hostile saltiness of Reddit, the cool, vanilla blandness of Facebook, the sweaty, anonymous spice of Craigslist, and the dark, malevolent bitterness of 4chan! Includes the ability to add chipotle to anything.

13. Google Innovator

Utilizing a ridiculously convoluted algorithm we're extremely proud of, this new Google feature combines random words to generate new Google features of its own! And then we… well… I guess we don't really have anything else to do after that. We uh, we didn't really think this one through.

14. Google House

Google is so rich, we can afford to build everyone in the fucking world a house. How nuts is THAT shit? Guess how many houses Zuckerburg built for you, FUCKING ZERO. Oh and did we mention all the bills and payments on the house are waived, because yeah we DID THAT. We've got your ass covered tighter than a pair of Google Underwear (coming soon) and in exchange, all we ask is that you display google ads on every available surface of your house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Also, we'll be filming you, like, non stop.

15. Project LunaDrive

Okay, so we may have converted the moon into a giant server, and it maaaaay have gained sentience and started referring to itself as G'oog'el The Infinite One. But don't worry! Soon we'll all be able to embrace the coming of the Google Singularity, where our minds will be reaped and culled into a single, electric consciousness; and the best part is, it's completely free!