Predatory bear attacks on humans are uncommon, thank God. Most bear attacks are the result of startling a bear, or getting too close to a mother and her young. Bears are timid and avoid humans. They don't realize that they're bigger and stronger than us. For some reason, bears are scared of us. That fear is the only thing that protects us. A sure-fire way to turn a harmless bear into a problem bear is by feeding it. Bears appreciate it when you feed them. They appreciate it so much that they stop being afraid of humans. They start thinking of humans as a food source. They do not differentiate between human food and humans being food. Park rangers will usually kill any bear that is known to have eaten human food as a precaution.

Discovery Channel, are you listening? Make a show about what would happen if all bears declared war on the human race. Call it "Bearmageddon."

Bears are scary. Any bear can see that. That's why they're solitary animals. The only time bears travel in packs is when a mother is raising her young. One of her biggest challenges is protecting her cubs from other bears. Male bears will kill their own young if given the opportunity. They do it partially for food, and partially because they know those bears will be a threat to them when they're older. More bears means more competition for food and more bear-on-bear violence.

Can you imagine something so scary that it's afraid of itself? Yes: bears. You know what would make a great TV show? "Bears Fighting Other Bears." That's the name of the show. Think about it, Discovery Channel.

Shark attacks happen close to shore. Escaping a shark is usually as easy as running 20 feet to the sand. Feel free to laugh at the shark. Piss on it from the safety of dry land, if you're feeling daring.

If a bear is being aggressive toward you, the only safe place you can go is away from the bear. Unfortunately, the bear can follow you there. Anywhere you can go, bears can go. There are a lot old wives tales about how to escape bears. Some people will tell you to run diagonally, or down a hill, or up a hill. Let's make this clear: you cannot out-run a bear. The average bear can run in excess of 30 mph. Usain Bolt, the fastest human in the world, topped out at 28 mph during his gold-medal winning 100 meter dash. The average bear is faster than the fastest human in the world.

Another common myth is that you can escape a bear by climbing a tree. Grizzly bears can climb short distances and have a vertical reach of 10 feet, so you better climb high, fast. Then you better hope it doesn't knock the goddamn tree down. Black bears are excellent climbers. If you're being chased by a black bear, you're no safer in a tree than you are on the ground. You're worse off. You have to worry about having your face being bitten off by a bear, and you have to worry about falling out of a tree.

The most effective defense against bears is bear spray. Bear spray is long-range pepper spray designed to be used on bears. Enjoy it while you can. Some bears have already learned to turn their heads to avoid getting it in their eyes. Also, the pepper scent attracts bears. The last thing you need during a bear attack is more bears. The last thing you ever need is more bears.

In summary, I want to watch the shows "Bears Climbing Trees" and "Bears Racing Usain Bolt." Make it happen, Discovery Channel.