Staff Picks

Staff Meeting: Hollister Clothing Designers

Jim: We all know why we’re here… We need some new ideas for this year’s winter line. So everybody put on your thinking skull-caps and gimme some good ones! First up- t-shirts.

Sharon: How about we write “Hollister” in a contrasting color on the front?

Jim: I love it! Next- long sleeve tees.

Roger: Um, we could write “Hollister” on the front and…

Jim: What? no. You’re retarded.

Manny: How about we write “Hollister” on the front in cursive?

Jim: That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Pajama pants- go!

Manny: I’m thinking “Hollister” written across the butt.

Sharon: With “California” below it in a smaller font?

Manny: Naturally.

everyone high fives

Jim: Yes! We are in the zone!

Roger: These ideas are all the same.

Jim: You’re fired. Get out.

Roger: What?

Jim: Roger, get out of my office.

Roger: We’re not in your office. This is a conference room.

Jim: Don’t correct me! I’m the Chairman of the Surfboard here, not you! …Leave your trucker hat with the receptionist on your way out.

Roger: Fine. I hate it here anyway. Oh and by the way, none of you tools have ever touched a surfboard!

Manny: Come on, man. Don’t embarrass yourself.

Roger: No, Manny! This is Columbus, Ohio. NO ONE SURFS HERE! You hear me?! No one! … no one… no… crying

silence

Jim: …Well this is uncomfortable. I’m gonna take a break to change my leather wrist band and maybe get some fresh puka shells around my neck. We’ll meet back here in 20 minutes to discuss hoodie season.

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Plastic Joe

So my uncle steals credit cards. It's kind of his thing. They once called him 'Plastic Joe' on the news, which he wildly objected to, claiming that it made him sound "like a Goddamn vibrator!" Anyway, when I was 11, the cops were raiding our house, looking for evidence to incarcerate my dear, misguided uncle. The whole family is on the porch, and my lazy-eyed dog... Read More » will not stop barking at the asshole police. They tell us that we had better shut the dog up, because he does have the authority to shoot it. I'm thinking that if he even tries to shoot my dumbass mouth breather dog, I'll punch him in the tooth. A couple of minutes later, another officer comes out of the house, and slams down a comically large orange envelope on the table, and blank credit cards and credit card paraphernalia spill out everywhere. The officer has death in his eyes, and demands to know who the envelope belongs to. Nobody says anything. But then smart ass 11 year old me stands up, and says dramatically, "Officer. Those are obviously mine. I'm a mafia crime lord. They call me Plastic Joe." I extend my wrists for cuffs. "Be gentle." The shit hits the fan. The officers get furious, my grandma is trying to tell them I was obviously joking, my sister is calling me stupid, and my uncle is laughing his balls off. 11 year old girl: 1 Cops: 0 Well, I mean...my uncle did end up getting arrested. So...maybe it's a tie.