· Pillsbury Doughboy – Impaled by finger.
· Kool Aid Man – "Oh Yeah'd" himself into a nuclear reactor.
· Frankenberry – Gay three-way suicide pact with Boo Berry and Count Chocula.
· Aflac Duck – Poisoned by eating Gieco Gecko.
· Verizon Guy – Locked himself in a public parking garage; no one could hear him screaming.
· Cap'n Crunch – Killed by angry father after he "made it happen" with an 11-year-old.
· Jolly Green Giant – Ripped apart at the hands of an angry mob led by Jimmy Dean.
· McGruff the Crime Dog – Toxic combination of extreme police corruption and licking his own balls.
· Gerber Baby – Whatever disease Gary Coleman had; that 45-year-old baby never ate solid food.
· "I'm a Mac" and "I'm a PC" Guys – Another gay three-way suicide pact…strangely, also with Boo Berry.
· Coppertone Girl – Rape. Just kidding, that would be so horrible, right? Seriously though, it was rape.
· Quaker Oats Man – Starved to death in a fully stocked, working kitchen, baffled by our modern technology.
· Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima, and the Chiquita Banana Girl – Fought to the death after realizing they were all married to Uncle Ben.
· Uncle Ben – Nothing, he's fine. Now he's bangin' the Land O' Lakes Girl.
· Joe Camel – Ridden to death.
· Malboro Man – bucked from dying camel.
· Ronald McDonald – Beaten to death by large, unstable purple friend. Latter cannibalized by Hamburgler. That bird girl just watched the whole thing.
· Jared from Subway – Accidentally strangled by excess fabric while showing off enormous pair of former pants.
· Six Flags Dancing Old Man – Extremely exciting diabetes
· Priceline Negotiator – Klingons