This Just In: JFK Is Still Dead!

This week, an amateur photographer named George Jeffries came forward with new footage from the day of the JFK assassination.

Essentially, Jeffries sat on never-before-seen archival footage of one of the most important moments in American history, and didn’t think to reveal it until his son-in-law (Wayne Graham) persuaded him to hand it over. Can you imagine that conversation? I would think, it would go, a little something, like THIS:

Jeffries: So… Elizabeth tells me you’re in law school.

Graham: Yes.

Jeffries: That’s very good. When I was your age I had no such professional aspirations.

Graham: What was your passion, sir?

Jeffries: I would video tape events.

Graham: Really? Anything of note?

Jeffries:  Nope.

Graham: Nothing… I would have heard of?

Jeffries: Nah, just normal stuff. You know. Weddings, birthdays, JFK’s assassination, local fairs.

Graham: What’s that?

Jeffries: Local fairs.

Graham: No before that.

Jeffries: Birthdays.

Graham: No. After that. Mr. Jeffries you know what I’m talking about.

Jeffries: Wha? We all went to local fairs back then. It doesn’t make me gay.

Graham: You have footage of JFK’s assassination! Mr. Jeffries that is extremely  consequential and important footage!

Jeffries: Is it?

Graham: Yes! I mean… Come on! Elizabeth, back me up here.

Elizabeth: Let’s just… All calm down. Mom made rice crispy squares.

Jeffries: Ooo!

Graham: NO! What is wrong with you people!?

Jeffries: What is wrong with you? Rice crispy squares are delicious.

Graham: Mr. Jeffries, with all due respect sir, I really think you ought to tell somebody about this footage. You realize the mystery of JFK’s death is still —

Jeffries: Honestly, I’m not even listening to you anymore.

Graham: I can’t believe you haven’t told anybody. This is… This is blowing my mind.

Jeffries: Oh shut it. I was busy.

Graham: For the past 45 years!?

Jeffries: 44. And yes.

Graham: Doing what!? What could possibly have taken this long.

Jeffries: I had to…  Do lots of stuff. Nothing big, just annoying busy work— – hey, let’s microwave some popcorn, huh?

Graham: Lots of annoying busy work? (laughing to himself) I can’t believe this.

Jeffries:You know, it was November, so tax season was right around the corner…

Graham: Taxes are due in April!  Oh, come off it, sir. This is borderline inexcusable.

Jeffries: We had that thing with the garage…

Graham: I’m in shock. I’m absolutely blown away right now. This is insane.

Jeffries: Okay fine! I’ll turn the tapes in if you just shut up. Wow.

Graham: Kay great, which one is it?

Jeffries: Ughhh. I don’t know. (pointing blindly) That one?

Graham: Sir, that’s not a tape. That’s your other daughter, my sister-in-law.

Other Daughter: I hate you.

Jeffries: I love you too, dear.