1. The Upper Peninsula
Night of: Attempting to finish a keg that needs to be returned. Throughout the session, one of your huskier friends will insist on performing the "lift test" every few minutes, and will repeatedly tell you you're "getting close."
Symptoms: Renal failure.
Cure: A single slice of cold pizza.
2. The Spray Tan
Night of: Beer and tiki drinks after many hours of direct sun.
Symptoms: Mild nausea, dehydration, melanoma.
Cure: A smoothie of fruit, aloe vera, and raw egg.
3. The Secret Shopper
Night of: Consumption of products bought after alcohol sales cease for the night (cooking wine, vanilla extract, etc.)
Symptoms: Memory loss, nausea, rosemary poisoning.
Cure: Pancakes and pork chops.
4. The Colonel Sanders
Night of: Various "classy" Southern drinks (mint juleps, Southern Comfort, etc.).
Symptoms: headache lasting two or more days, duel commitments.
Cure: Sweating into a linen suit for an entire afternoon.
5. The General Lee
Night of: Moonshine.
Symptoms: Blindness, hollerin'.
Cure: Mama Jessup's Pine Creek Possum Stew (Stu's Backwoods BBQ, page 57).
6. The Missouri Compromise
Night of: Beer and fortified wine.
Symptoms: Headache, mullet.
Cure: One full-strength dose of Don't Give a Damn.
7. The Dean Martin
Night of: 15-30 martinis with limited food.
Symptoms: Laryngitis, "Escort Rash".
Cure: 15-30 Bloody Marys with limited food.
8. The Stooge
Night of: Hard alcohol near broken glass or other sharp objects.
Symptoms: Blood loss, influence on later bands.
9. The Lion in Winter
Night of: Ale in tandem with "pub food" (pies not involving fruit, potatoes in inconvenient shapes, etc).
Symptoms: Semi-permanent weight gain of 10-15% of previous body mass.
Cure: Military service in India or Rhodesia.
10. The Hogarth
Night of: Home-brewed gin and strong English ale.
Symptoms: Madness, loss of consonants.
Cure: "Throw upon ye smoten a medleye of hollyhock, ground ewe, and Turk's Ear. Proceed until the Demon departeth through the mouthe, or killeth him asunder" (Cadwallader's Variouse Cures, p. 62).