31. The False Idol
Night of: Any combination of sweet drinks consumed from a tiki-head glass.
Symptoms: Nausea, persistent sand.
Cure: Throwing someone, or something valuable, into a volcano.
32. The Pineapple Express
Night of: Any combination of "fun" tiki drinks (Mai Tais, Beachcombers, etc.).
Symptoms: Light nausea, diabetes.
Cure: Dried seaweed.
33. The Press Gang
Night of: Variant of the False Idol resulting from imbibing only tiki drinks with dark/violent names (Zombie, Shrunken Head, Suffering Bastard, etc).
Symptoms: Crushing headache, dizziness, neck tattoos.
Cure: Keel-hauling, followed by a Denver omelette.
34. The Blue Hawaiian
Night of: Drinks involving huge amounts of food coloring.
Symptoms: Light nausea, uvula cancer.
Cure: Saltwater and cherry pie.
35. The Dead Soul
Night of: Vodka interspersed throughout any number of other drinks.
Symptoms: Nausea, acceptance of serfdom.
Cure: "In proportion as the exploitation of one individual by another is put an end to, the exploitation of one nation by another will also be put an end to. In proportion as the antagonism between classes within the nation vanishes, the hostility of one nation to another will come to an end."
36. The Glasnost
Night of: Consumption of vodka for more than 12 hours.
Symptoms: Potato-like appearance and personality.
37. The Gulag
Night of: A clear, odorless spirit, provided by someone you only later realize was not a friend of anyone in attendance.
Symptoms: Semi-permanent blindness, hand tattoos.
Cure: Bathing in filtered vodka.
38. The Chinaski
Night of: Beer, followed by several varieties of cooking wine; often an attempt to stifle writer's block.
Symptoms: Will often produce no usable work, and instead require cleaning vomit out of a typewriter.
Cure: "She was built like a '52 Chrysler and swore like a sailor a good hard ride."
39. The Cuban Missile Crisis
Night of: Alcohol in tandem with cigar smoking; occurs with greatest frequency at bachelor parties.
Symptoms: In severe cases, symptoms include "cometing," (coughing and vomiting simultaneously).
Cure: A foot-long sandwich of ham, turkey, pickles, cheese, and mustard (AKA "The Cuban Sandwich Crisis").
40. The Borgnine
Night of: Consuming all alcoholic drinks, non-alcoholic drinks, and food in a refrigerator.
Symptoms: Nausea, fearful notes from roommates.
Cure: Transcendental meditation.