He's not gonna do it.

Oh, he'll do it. What did it say on the calendar?

I don't know.

Denial doesn't make things go away, gums. You're old enough to know that.

No, I seriously don't know. I can't see, remember?

Oh, right. Eyes, what did it say?

"Dentist appointment, 3 PM." Also, "Return The Blind Side."

Wait, why did we watch that again?

Shut up. It was touching.

Guys, I like our three-hour discussions about The Blind Side as much as the next body part, but now isn't the time. We've got an appointment with the dentist in five hours, and what does he do every morning this happens?

…

He tries to make up for six months of forgetting that gums are a part of his body in one morning, exactly. And what does that mean he's going to do?

…

It means he's going to—

No! Don't say it!

Floss.

NO! He wouldn't!

He's reaching for it right now.

But it's just string! For the love of God, it's just string! How is rubbing it against me healthy? How?!

If he doesn't do it now, the dentist is going to scold him. And what happens then?

We're six-years-old again, and Mrs. Balt is chiding us for not washing our hands in front of the whole class, and Jessica Peterson is there, and we're so embarrassed we have to throw a rock at her during freeze tag.

Ok, but still, I'll bet this time he's not going to do it. He's probably just picking up the floss to see how heavy it is and twirling it around his fingers to make them turn purple and OH GOD I'M BLEEDING! HE'S ONLY DONE THE SPACE IN BETWEEN THE TWO FRONT TEETH AND THERE'S ALREADY SO MUCH BLOOD!

You know what the problem with that movie is? It doesn't challenge the audience enough.

WHY DO I DESERVE SUCH PAIN?! WHO DID I ANGER?!

Do you think we'll have the hot dental hygienist this time? I feel like I haven't gotten hard at the dentist's office in forever.

ELI ELI LAMA SABACHTHANI?! ELI ELI LAMA SABACHTHANI?!

Is that Aramaic? When did we learn Aramaic? I don't remember paying attention in World Religions.

AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Relax, gums. He's done.

…Ok…ok. Ok. I think…ok.

Damn, this sink looks like a prop from The Shining.

The Shining! Now there's a movie that wasn't afraid to challenge its audience!

Oh, man that was rough. But it's all over, right?

Well, yeah, until five hours from now when we go to the dentist's office and the same thing happens, only with a sharp metal probe instead of string.

Like I said, it's all over. Now, what's for breakfast?

Cap'n Crunch. We're out of milk, though.

Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me.