Unfortunately, the cold doesn't just pick on those dorky enough to want to look like a washed-up lounge singer or overgrown paperboy. You're going to need something to protect your head from the wind, and everyone else from your cowlick. Just make sure it's not a cap with a sports team's logo on it, because with baseball, basketball, football, and hockey in action—anyone who's anyone (that can identify which squad the animal on your hat represents and isn't ashamed to stand next to you) will be asking you if you saw "the game" last night. Human interaction is important, but having some guy try and talk to you about other grown men who run around and write asinine tweets for a living is annoying, no matter how quickly your pizza comes out of the oven.

There's no rule that you have to go out on Halloween. That being said, there is one that you'll look like a giant dweeb if you buy a prepackaged costume at the store. No matter which costume you choose, when you buy your costume at the store, the only thing people will see you as is an uncreative, cheap material-wearing fool. On top of all that, not making your own costume pretty much guarantees that someone else at the party will be wearing the same thing—which can be pretty humiliating, especially when that other person is twelve-years-old.

Turtleneck sweaters are tres chic and dashing—but only when compared to it's wrinkly reptilian namesake. While they do keep the ever-important base-to-middle-third of your neck nice and warm, every time you swallow or turn your head to the side while wearing one, it feels like you're being choked to death by a nonchalant Homer Simpson impersonator with Rheumatoid arthritis. Oh, and definitely don't try and pass a turtleneck off as a "polo neck" like they do in the UK. You won't fool anyone—well, anyone smart enough to know not to talk to you.

Horchata looks and tastes like something concocted by a third-grade boy entertaining his lunch mates in the cafeteria. Is it edible? Yes. Heck, it might even taste good at first—but once you've had a few sips, the strange consistency and exorbitant amount of sugar will leave you in such a state that listening to Mrs. Crandall talk about long division all day would be preferable to finishing the glass. Regardless of how many rides in his stepdad's convertible Joey D. offers you to chug the rest.