There's something about that first nip in the air that makes you want to listen to some sweet shouts of a sax and a mess of unintelligible, but probably depressing, guttural exclamations. Well, it makes you want to listen to that one song you heard in the background of a Woody Allen movie once. You won't realize that that's the only amount of jazz you actually want to hear until you've downloaded 6 hours of 12 minute songs that seem as though their only purpose is to remind you that you're not sophisticated enough to actually enjoy jazz.

There is no question that a flannel shirt is the perfect autumnal attire. But you already own enough flannel shirts. You're probably wearing one now. It's a really nuanced plaid that your mom says looks great on you. And it does. But, you know what else? It looks good on the 40 other people in your immediate proximity who are wearing slight variations of that shirt. For the sake of crowds, and gatherings of any sort, let's all just cool it on the plaid flannel shirts this fall. Go put on a nice sweater instead. Your mom thinks that looks great too.

You can try and conceal it with one of those horn-shaped wicker baskets, but there's no way to fully hide the fact that every member of the gourd family resembles the diseased genitalia of a Fraggle. They're like an all-Khloe Kardashian clan, but plants—and not nearly as mealy. The only positive aspect of having a decorative gourd on your dinner table is that everything you eat while staring at it will seem delicious in comparison. Which is extremely helpful when it comes to trying to stomach Great Aunt Gertrude's green gelatin glop. It just makes her so happy to see you enjoy a bowl and you know, let's face it—she isn't getting any younger.

Saying soup is filling because you can add crackers to it is like saying a cheese pizza from Pizza Hut is Meat Lovers because you can add pepperoni, ham, bacon, and sausage to it. Soup will leave your stomach, and everything leading to it, badly burned and wanting more. It's frightening to think of the damage that could be incurred while eating soup if it weren't physically impossible not to spill the first three spoonfuls onto your slacks. You don't need to be Matlock to figure out why elderly people go so far out of their way to eat dinner early—they need what's left of the day to handle their disappointment and recovery.