My guests for this week's all-sports edition of "A Winner Is You" are Amir Blumenfeld and Ethan Trex, the duo behind CollegeHumor's weekly sports column Straight Cash Homey.
TALKING POINT: What's the best sports game that isn't based in reality?
Amir: Wrong, Jeff. An unbeatable combination is 50-50, air japan, revert-manual, one foot smith, air-jesus, revert-manual, and then a series of board tricks that make Rodney Mullen look like a retard on a two-by- four. The Tony Hawk series of games is the best alternative sports game. It's infinitely entertaining, and best of all it was educational. Did you guys know there is something called the Onigri Gap in Japan? Yeah, supposedly skaters do tricks off of it all the time.
Jeff: Jam had plenty of defense. I once saw programmer Ed Boon jump his entire height to block a shot by Sub-Zero. Sure, he still got called on goal tending but at least he prevented the other team from catching fire.
Ethan: Good point. I guess I want Arch-Rivals style punching in every basketball game.
Amir: Just watch the Pacers!!!! Also, the black-oil spills on their court is very Arch-Rivals-esque. And flat-out inexcusable.
Jeff: I've always hated the idea that the best sports games were the most realistic. The best sports games are the ones that distill the best elements of a real life game and extrapolate them into a fantasy world of players exploding on the field and homing buzzsaws. So let's just agree nothing will ever top Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball and move on.
Ethan: To me, the X-Games are nothing more than a TV adaptation of Excitebike. Also, John Madden now has fewer catch phrases than he did in Madden '96 for SNES. "Now that is the way to tackle!"
Ethan: We've talked about this before, but the best Madden players could be competent NFL coaches. At the very least, they'd be better than Art Shell.
Jeff: Maybe Shell has been playing too much NFL Blitz. That would explain the time the Raiders went for a fake field goal on 2nd-and-8 from their own 30.
Amir: "Wait a second here it comes!" (camera zooms in on the ball so much the whole screen turns brown) "Well, you remember the play. Touchdown city, suckaaa!'
Jeff: Also, as we all know, Ichiro Suzuki is a VR program that escaped the system a'la Russell Crowe in Virtuosity.
Ethan: He's a composite of the greatest base stealers and serial killers of all time. Believe it or not, Ty Cobb counts as both.
Amir: The best part is, Tecmo Bowl got the rights to using team cities and every players name, but not logos or mascots. So its like "The Los Angeles Crawfish starring Bo Jackson, Marcus Allen, and Howie Long!"
Jeff: I prefer games like that that got the league license but not the player's union, like Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball for the SNES. "Now batting, New York Yankees shortstop Can O' Corn."
Ethan: Wait does this mean my Can O' Corn throwback jersey isn't based on a real player?
Amir: My second place vote is Snoopy's Silly Sports Spectacular. Oh snoopy! You carry those pizza pies! Dumb dog.
Jeff: That pizza event was nearly impossible. I usually just plow forward and try to make up for it in the potato sack race.
Amir: When snoopy won that Gold in the '36 Berlin games and stuck it to Hitler that's probably the defining moment for the Peanuts gang. God I get chills just thinking about it.
Ethan: Whatever, you know it's Pig-Pen giving the Black Power salute after winning his gold.
Jeff: I always loved the skateboarding half of T&C Surf Factory, but I could never make heads or tails of the surfing. It's like that gorilla had a death wish. Easily the worst gorilla surfer I've ever seen, in real life or video games.
Amir: California Games footbag. Dodos, reverse dodos, and double arches never meant so much.
Ethan: Yeah, but did you ever catch the Frisbee?
Amir: Standing and diving.
Jeff: I've caught the Frisbee. However, I have never once performed a trick in footbag that wasn't just spinning. How the hell do you do a dodo?
Ethan: Only the footbag and the surfing were any fun on California Games. And where's the most important California game of all: making fun of Barry Bonds' head?
Jeff: Is the speed bike scene in Battletoads a sports game?
Jeff: Good, because that shit was impossible.