SAT Questions That I Wish I Had Gotten Right Before Going to College

FILL-IN-THE-BLANK QUESTIONS
1.) Dude, be careful hitting on that ——- girl Jessica, because I totally ——- her last semester.
A. crazy . . got stalked by
B. depressed . . used her low self-esteem to take advantage of
C. underage . . legally adopted
D. pregnant . . put a baby in
E. zombie . . killed

2.) You don’t have to worry about ——- in your dorm room, as long as you ——- the RA.
A. getting’ freaky . . make a video of it for
B. practicing Satanism . . sacrifice a virgin to
C. distilling alcohol . . kidnap, and then disguise yourself as
D. allowing illegal immigrants to run a sweat shop . . give free textiles to
E. murder . . murder

3.) That professor is a real ——- and he totally ——- that midterm.
A. downer . . was writing a suicide note during
B. hero . . deserves to be knighted for
C. sex offender . . had sex with me on top of
D. big fan of child labor . . made Taiwanese six-year-olds grade
E. water buffalo . . blew my mind when he used his hoofs to distribute

TEXT-ANALYSIS QUESTIONS
From: NATALIE
To: JASON
Fun times this wknd! You were HILARIOUS. Cant w8 to C U soon!

4.) The word “HILARIOUS” most nearly means:
A. SO DRUNK
B. PLACED FIRMLY INTO MY FRIEND ZONE
C. MISPRONOUNCING MY NAME THE WHOLE NIGHT
D. NOT THE JASON I WAS THINKING OF WHEN I SAID I’D GO OUT WITH YOU
E. QUESTIONED BY THE POLICE FOR LONGER THAN SEEMED NECESSARY

5.) The abbreviation “C U” most likely stands for:
A. Cut U out of my life
B. Create a Universe in which we never met
C. Cruelly Un-friend you and totally tell everyone about it
D. Call Uther dudes
E. Clean out the map holder in my car where U vomited

6.) In context, the “Fun times” Natalie referred to were most probably:
A. illegal
B. unhealthy
C. filled with regret
D. tagged for your parent’s friends to see
E. all of the above

ANALOGIES
7.) MILLER LITE : TEQUILA ::
A. A- : D+
B. Burp : Puke
C. Misdemeanor : Felony
D. 1st base : Intercourse
E. Apologies : Child support

8.) CLASSMATE : ROOMMATE ::
A. Awkward goodbyes : Awkward good mornings
B. Hard to focus when they’re passing notes in class : Hard to pee when they’re passed out in the bathroom
C. Terrible hand writing : Terrible guitar playing
D. I copied your paper : I copied your identity
E. “Can you loan me a pencil?” : “Can you stop masturbating long enough to loan me a pencil?”

9.) BEER BONG : BONG ::
A. Running from the Cops : Watching Cops
B. Frat : Commune
C. Natty Ice : Northern Lights
D. Listening to Katy Perry : Listening to Katy Perry ironically
E. What? : Huh?