Where Am I? A Practical Guide

Every now and then you’ll wake up and not know where you are. In fact, you may not remember what you did for much of the previous night, either. Here are some quick tips to help you out.

1. Don’t sit up too quickly. You may shake off all the beer cans that your friends have lovingly draped on your passed out body, or you may wake up the hideous, hairy woman (?) slumbering next to you. If you’re alone and un-shamed, you still may get the spins, so lay low.

2. Go back to bed. You can’t really figure out where you are when your head hurts this bad, maybe if you sleep for a few more hours you’ll feel better.

3. Get up and look around. This is important. Here, you will need your best detective skills. Are you outside or inside? Are you in a place that you recognize? Is it a friend’s dorm room or are you cruising on a barge in the middle of the harbor? Are you in a hotel? Did you pay for it? Have you killed a hooker? Again?! Check the shower. These are important things.

4. Check your messages. If there are messages from your friends, your girlfriend, the news media and/or the police, you may have been passed out for longer than you think. You may also be in a rapist’s basement, so stay quiet. If nobody called you then you probably got very belligerent last night and alienated your friends. Now is a good time to start thinking about apologies.

5. Call your friends. They may have the missing pieces. If you have no friends, awaken that manimal sleeping next to you and question it. You may opt out of the latter part of this step and just start running.

6. Get grub. No matter where you are, there will always be a place that can serve you bacon, eggs and beer. You’ll have time to figure out how to hide that dead hooker later. Besides, you will need your strength for tonight, and for doing this whole thing again tomorrow morning.