Holiday Rants, from You

“Put the Christ back in Christmas!” — Dear everyone wearing this button: Xmas is an abbreviation. It doesn’t mean that anyone is taking “Christ out of Christmas.” His part of the whole thing is really well known. People aren’t suddenly going to forget what the X stands for, okay? We’re just too busy to spell it out sometimes. Like, I’m sure you guys always “laugh out loud!” in your text responses, huh? That’s right, you don’t, because that’s dumb. Anyway, you never know, maybe when Jesus was going through his awkward emo teenage years he decided to go by “X” and it just stuck. Now you’re the disrespectful ones.
Jemina Journeycake

Jesus Christ and I have the same birthday. Only that isn’t true, because I was actually born on December 25th. That guy was really born in like March and one day The Church decided to be jerks and make everyone else legitimately born on December 25th share it with the biggest holiday in the world. Thanks for ruining my life, ancient Church people. A double birthday party with Jesus is just not as fun as that idea sounds.
Perry Wallbert

I want to rant about people ranting about Christmas music. I really love Christmas music and could listen to it all year, to be honest. One song that really seems to get a lot of sh*t is Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime.” I happen to love it and cannot seem to find anyone to agree with me on its merits, which is ridiculous! Paul is one of our greatest pop icons and Christmas is nothing if not an excuse for pop icons to become even kitschier. I think he nailed it.
Luka M.

How many versions of Jingle Bells does the world really need? Really, think about that for a second. Stop, you don’t even have to think about it that long. You have the standard, you have the “Batman Smells” and you’re done. That is all you need for your holiday. I understand that every new pop artist out there wants to put their own spin on the classics, but we’d rather you come up with something totally new. There is nothing more frustrating than listening to the radio and being Rick Rolled by what you hoped would be an enjoyable 2-3 minutes Jingling All the Way Home.
Martin McJames

I am a BIG Culkin fan. Not just Mac, but all those kids. They are an immensely talented family and I don’t need your judgement telling me otherwise. Regardless of how healthy or not my affection may be, the point is, my Macaulay Culkin Google Alert becomes pretty much useless around this time of year. So annoying.
Sophia Perot

Everyone complains about their grandmas giving them socks or underwear for Christmas. I would LOVE to get socks or underwear. Instead, my grandma has given me her own original artwork for the past 6 years. Last year was a portrait of me and my family done as if we were all dogs. What the f*ck and I supposed to do with that?
Don Jacoby