Around this time of year, I begin to think about how everyone celebrates the holidays. So I bring to you: the 10 personalities of Christmas.
1. The Traditionalist
You put the Christ in Christmas. Seriously. There is a life-size Nativity scene in your yard. You helped raise money for your town's local "It's ok to say Merry Christmas" billboards. If your Christmas card is anything less than Jesus coming out of Mary's vagina then you've failed. You go to midnight mass and "pray for" (judge) all of the people that you don't recognize. They are clearly the Christmas/Easter church crowd so they need all the help they can get. Amen.
2. Classy Christmas
You refuse to use anything but white lights (your house is outlined in them) and beautiful reindeer light statues. You restrict all gift giving to the classiest "of the month" gifts (fruit, wine, and exotic meat). You think that most of Christmas is extremely tacky so you restrict your Christmas music to Bing Crosby and only let your kids watch Christmas movies made before 1950.
3. The Holiday Hipster
You wear ugly Christmas sweaters because you're that ironic. As a party favor, you bring fruit cake because it's gross but people always give it as a Christmas gift. Get it? Hilarious. You make sure to wear your new, thick (prescription free) glasses in the family Christmas card so everyone knows how "over this" you really are.
4. The Jew Who Loves Christmas
Your Mom goes to Christmas cookie parties with all of her Christian friends and your parents have a tree in the house. Why should being Jewish deprive you from celebrating the best holiday of the year? So maybe your religion doesn't "recognize" Christmas and it doesn't "line up" with your views but who even cares about that anyways? Christmas is really about Santa and mistletoe not the whole Jesus thing.
5. The Over-Celebrator
You start wearing a Santa hat in September. In terms of decorations, you're the "crazy" person on the block even if your street is known for decorations. There is at least one blow up snow man/Santa/reindeer in your yard and at least 1 Santa crashing into/going down your chimney. You change your voicemail to say "You've reached the Smith's. We're not Ho-ho-home right now but leave us a message after the To-to-tone!" Ah, it really is the most wonderful time of the year.
6. Lazy Christmas
You throw a wreath on the door, some net lights on your bushes, and plug in the artificial tree that's been sitting in your basement. You know you're not fooling anyone with those net lights, but at least you tried. You holiday shop for 10 minutes before you have to break for coffee or frozen yogurt. You favor a small fake tree with a few ornaments because anything else is too much work. And who wants all of those loose pine needles everywhere? Gross.
7. Christmas as an Excuse to Get Hammered
The heading is pretty self explanatory. Right after Thanksgiving you throw on the old Santa hat and start pounding those Christmas ales. You don't know who invented Santa Con but you think we should be celebrating the birth of him/her instead of Jesus. 'Tis the season of giving and 8% alcohol.
8. Politically Correct Christmas
Happy Holiday Light Festival Everyone! No need for Christmas cookies, how about a politically correct Hannukah Kwanzaa cake?! You believe that Christmas/Hannukah should legally change their names to "Christmukkah" and are trying to figure out a way to add Kwanzaa to that word hybrid. You're probably Christian, but amidst your elaborate Poinsettia display and red bows you make sure there is a Menorah to show the world that you are all inclusive. This Menorah is usually a little sad looking and tilted to the left, but it's the thought that counts. You know more about Kwanzaa than you do about African American people but there's a Kwanzaa Menorah thing in your display none the less.
9. The Environmentalist
You consider yourself to be green, but not just like cloth bags at Trader Joe's Green, actually environmentally conscious. You realize the insanity that we live in a world where you are judged if you use paper bags at the grocery store, but it's totally fine to wrap objects in over processed paper all for the sake of looking pretty. You wrap your gifts in old newspapers (the comics when you're feeling extra sassy!) so everyone knows how creative/ serious about the environment you are. You throw a party where everyone has to bring a ukulele for struggling youth musicians in Hawaii.
10. Buddy The Elf
You truly love everything about Christmas. You love giving and receiving gifts, togetherness, and cookies. You buy your family matching pajamas and force them to wear them. Looking through the Christmas cards that your family receives is the high point of the season and how you scout potential love interests for the new year. You bake 37 different types of Christmas cookies and each one is better than the last. Nothing about you is disingenuine, despite what those around you may think.
Since you're indefinable, you are probably a hybrid of a few of these personalities. Don't worry I know you're one of a kind.