The 8 Kinds of Christmas Cards

The One from Complete Strangers
Oh look, it’s a card from… uh… hm… Who are these people? Might be your mom’s weird second cousins from the Poconos. Then again, that short one kind of looks like the creepy old orthodontist. Hey, their creepy little eyes kind of follow you all around the room, huh? You’d think they’d at least put on a return address just in case. Unless, of course, they didn’t even have to mail it. These tiny children of the corn know where you live! Get it off the fridge! GET IT OFF THE FRIDGE!

The E-Card
Did you know that the average greeting card consists of the pulp from three majestic Oak trees? Did you also know that the production process is responsible for 300,000 metrics tons of carcinogens and the death of at least two endangered animals? (And not the weird fish-things, something really cute.) Those are just some of the facts that have brought this greeting from your exceptionally “crunchy” family friend into your inbox. Shitty flash, though horrible for the soul, is 100% environmentally friendly. So enjoy the MIDI version of “Deck the Halls” and savor the pure joy of printing out the card specifically because it’s asked you not to.

The One from Your Old Gym
Just in time for the crushing realization that you’re about to spend another holiday alone, here’s a reminder that you’ve also gained a whole lot of weight in the last year. Any semblance of a healthy diet bit the dust over Thanksgiving and there’s no sense in getting back on track before New Year’s resolution time, right? Wrong, fat ass. Now please enjoy this 10% off coupon as a friendly reminder to hate yourself.

The Politician One
Hello! My underpaid-interns tell me that you’re a member of a very important voting district and I’d like to take this time to attempt establishing a deep, personal relationship with your mailbox.
See how my signature is in a different ink than the rest of the card? Paid extra for that. You’re welcome to hang this on your fridge so your friends think you hobnob with the greats of the local Rotary club. Also, please please please vote for me. And now for a totally nondenominational send off:
Merry Christmas
Happy Holidays
It’s Winter