Staff Picks

CH Staff

CollegeHumor New Year's Resolutions

by CH Staff on

Streeter Seidell
I resolve to hate Dubstep, then listen to it just so I don’t feel so old and out of touch, then start to kind of like it, then start to love it, then make my life about the promotion of Dubstep music and culture just in time for a new kind of music to become popular and force me to begin the agonizing cycle all over again.
Kevin Corrigan
Start living every Thursday like it’s my last. Spend the rest of the week letting life pass me by.
Andrew Bridgman
Gain a ton of weight, start smoking, never volunteer, emotionally distance myself from friends and family, and be completely closed-minded about everything. That way, next year’s resolutions should pretty much write themselves.
Amir Blumenfeld
My new years resolution is to tweet less. Haha, that would actually be a pretty funny tweet. Fuck it, I’m tweeting it.
Brian Murphy
To spend more time with my grandma so I can learn her weakness.
Patrick Cassels
I’m going to live every day like it’s my last: in bed and terrified, probably.
Alex Watt
My New Year’s Resolution is to stop doing things in the name of God. I think the credit card companies are on to me.
Jason Michaels
My new year’s resolution is to stop breaking into song any chance that I SEE NO CHANGES, WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND I ASK MYSELF, IS LIFE WORTH LIVING OR SHOULD I BLAST MYSELF?  I’M TIRED OF BEIN POOR AND EVEN WORSE I’M BLACK MY STOMACH HURTS SO I’M LOOKIN FOR A PURSE TO SNATCH!
Susanna Wolff
I resolve to make every one-liner
a two-liner.
Ben Joseph
I resolve to stop imagining monkeys in suits every time I hear the word “guerilla marketing” and start imagining them whenever I want because they are hilarious.
See More
Like this Article
URL Close
CH Staff

CH Staff

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
Up +41 Down
Cool police

Back in highschool my mother and stepfather would go away once a month for a vacation. They knew my brother and myself would have parties, so they just said, nothing broken, the house is to be spotless, and no one drinks and drives. They failed to mention dont let it get so crazy that the cops come. SO of course the cops would come break up the party often. One particular... Read More » night we had about 75 people raging. The cops show up and start asking the DD's to leave. They then take the taps off the kegs and say the party is over. Funny thing was they didnt make any of the girls leave. The cops pull a way and we are thinking about where to get new taps when the phone rings. It is the cop who took the taps.. He said we did you a favor by kicking all the dudes out, now do us a favor and dont make us come back tonight. Your taps are in your mailbox. Best police experience ever.