I resolve to stop spoiling TV shows for people. Like, there’s no reason I need to tell anyone that this season of Dexter ended with his sister catching him in the middle of a killing. Oops.
I resolve to find someone worthy of a human sacrifice. That’s the only way the Mayan Gods will spare me when the world ends on December 21, 2012.
Yooooo Suze, just got the resolutions email. I think my real resolution is going to be to stop sleeping with coworkers (FOR REAL THIS TIME haha), but can you just make something up for me about corgis or tweeting or something? I’m super busy today. Thanks gurl! – Rina
To not fulfill my 2012 resolution. Hooray! / Damn!
I resolve to stop introducing myself three sentences too late. It’s a bad habit that makes me sound like I’m narrating an infomercial, so it’s time I made a change. Hi, I’m Dan Gurewitch.
This year I’m going to learn how to recite the alphabet without singing it. The only part that’s still giving me trouble is LMNOP.
I resolve to suit pooling, frink jers, and reprogram my phone’s T9.
I promise to disband my international heroin cartel as soon as I have enough money to pay for my baby sister’s brain surgery and to stop lying to make my life sound more interesting.
I resolve to paint with all the colors of the wind.
News Feed History of the World: March 2012
Everything is Scary
Eight Types of Laughter
Every Superhero Origin Story Ever
The Different Types of Stubble
Even More Super Secret Menus
Little known literature fact: Dr. Frankenstein was only trying to DRAW a monster that would terrorize villagers.
It's like people on the Internet have never seen a boob before. Come to think of it, many of them haven't.
"I guess these are cool. If you like that kind of thing. Whatever. " - Porsche owner, moments before bursting into tears.
Anyone who DOESN'T want to live in the Hobbit houses is crazier than Denethor.
My all-dental dam band will never be this good.
All these Twitter accounts are run by Odie.
You will be more frightened while watching this video than anyone in it.
Good luck, detention monitor.
Sometimes the most timeless, magical things happen accidentally. Like farts.
When is the holiday to memorialize stupid people lighting themselves on fire?
